WEBVTT 1 00:00:08.639 --> 00:00:12.000 Welcome to Inclusion Bites, your 2 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:15.535 sanctuary for bold conversations that spark change. I'm 3 00:00:15.535 --> 00:00:19.295 Joanne Lockwood, your guide on this journey of exploration into 4 00:00:19.295 --> 00:00:22.915 the heart of inclusion, belonging, and societal 5 00:00:23.135 --> 00:00:26.974 transformation. Ever wondered what it truly takes to create 6 00:00:26.974 --> 00:00:30.769 a world where everyone not only belongs but thrives, 7 00:00:31.070 --> 00:00:34.910 you're not alone. Join me as we uncover the 8 00:00:34.910 --> 00:00:38.510 unseen, challenge the status quo, and share 9 00:00:38.510 --> 00:00:42.269 stories that resonate deep within. Ready to dive 10 00:00:42.269 --> 00:00:45.885 in? Whether you're sipping your morning coffee or winding 11 00:00:45.885 --> 00:00:49.185 down after a long day, let's connect, reflect, 12 00:00:49.645 --> 00:00:53.105 and inspire action together. Don't forget, 13 00:00:53.565 --> 00:00:56.605 you can be part of the conversation too. Reach out to 14 00:00:56.605 --> 00:00:59.720 jo.lockwood@seachangehappen.co.uk 15 00:01:00.420 --> 00:01:03.960 to share your insights or to join me on the show. 16 00:01:04.819 --> 00:01:08.500 So adjust your earbuds and settle in. It's time to 17 00:01:08.500 --> 00:01:12.040 ignite the spark of inclusion with Inclusion Bites. 18 00:01:18.265 --> 00:01:21.784 Today is episode 140 with the 19 00:01:21.784 --> 00:01:25.225 title, getting back up. And I have the 20 00:01:25.225 --> 00:01:28.530 absolute honor and privilege to welcome Alex Williams. 21 00:01:29.550 --> 00:01:33.090 Alex is a passionate speaker and mental health practitioner, 22 00:01:33.630 --> 00:01:37.470 and is dedicated to helping people rise after life's 23 00:01:37.470 --> 00:01:40.909 toughest knocks. When asked Alex to describe his 24 00:01:40.909 --> 00:01:44.535 superpower, he says it is creating empowering 25 00:01:44.675 --> 00:01:48.275 environments that inspire, transform with 26 00:01:48.275 --> 00:01:52.115 self discovery and resilience. Hello, Alex. 27 00:01:52.115 --> 00:01:55.895 Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me on today. My pleasure. 28 00:01:56.780 --> 00:01:59.980 I can't remember if we've ever actually met in person, but we've certainly seen each 29 00:01:59.980 --> 00:02:03.580 other online a lot through the Professional Speaking Association and other 30 00:02:03.580 --> 00:02:07.340 mutual friends. Yeah. I I think last time I saw you was at breakfast at 31 00:02:07.340 --> 00:02:10.880 the last not last PSA conference the year before. 32 00:02:11.424 --> 00:02:14.465 But I did my usual thing where I feel awkward, and then I say hello 33 00:02:14.465 --> 00:02:18.144 and then disappears, hide in the background. Yeah. Well, we've met then. 34 00:02:18.144 --> 00:02:21.745 Yeah. Yes. That's it. Well, I've been really keen to to find out more about 35 00:02:21.745 --> 00:02:23.985 your story because I as I say, I do follow you on LinkedIn and see 36 00:02:23.985 --> 00:02:27.720 some of the post you're doing. Yeah. So, Alex, getting back up, where 37 00:02:27.720 --> 00:02:31.340 did that come from? Well, I've been working in the mental health space 38 00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:35.080 for 20 years now. And along with my own 39 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:38.860 personal story, kind of found that 40 00:02:39.080 --> 00:02:41.715 people don't really know 41 00:02:42.814 --> 00:02:46.415 the key ingredients to recovering from the setbacks that knock us down in 42 00:02:46.415 --> 00:02:50.015 life. Now, obviously, trying to explain what I do as a 43 00:02:50.015 --> 00:02:53.454 job day to day, you tell anyone what mental health practitioners do. It's kinda hard, 44 00:02:53.454 --> 00:02:56.760 but, essentially, it came to that thing of, well, really, I'm helping people to recover 45 00:02:56.760 --> 00:03:00.599 from those setbacks they face. But it really became a massive passion of mine 46 00:03:00.599 --> 00:03:03.640 to really kind kind of get to those core ingredients so I can so when 47 00:03:03.640 --> 00:03:07.480 I'm working with people, rather than saying, oh, you should try this modality, you should 48 00:03:07.480 --> 00:03:11.105 try this thing, or try that, Kinda really focus on the the basics 49 00:03:11.325 --> 00:03:14.925 so we can get a real solid foundation so people can then have something to 50 00:03:14.925 --> 00:03:18.605 work from, and then they can kind of navigate to a a 51 00:03:18.605 --> 00:03:22.445 path that's right for them to help them work towards and achieve whatever they 52 00:03:22.445 --> 00:03:25.920 want to in life. When you use the phrase mental health, it it conjures 53 00:03:25.920 --> 00:03:29.680 up stigma or failure or all 54 00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:33.440 these words of negativity. But we all have mental 55 00:03:33.440 --> 00:03:36.975 health. It just has different attributes 56 00:03:36.975 --> 00:03:40.815 depending on it's and it's not linear either, is it? No. No. It's I 57 00:03:40.815 --> 00:03:44.575 mean, it's it's on a spectrum, really. It's, you know, there's a we all have 58 00:03:44.575 --> 00:03:48.335 mental health, and although there's some maybe issues that 59 00:03:48.335 --> 00:03:52.120 present come with referring to everything under the mental health or 60 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:55.580 emotional health umbrella, it's important that we realize that we're all susceptible 61 00:03:55.959 --> 00:03:59.800 to struggling at times. I don't really like the term mental health, 62 00:03:59.800 --> 00:04:03.495 I'm gonna be honest, because I think that makes people think in isolation that 63 00:04:03.495 --> 00:04:07.175 it's just something wrong with their brains, for example, when actually 64 00:04:07.175 --> 00:04:10.555 we're all one be being, aren't we? We we have physical 65 00:04:10.614 --> 00:04:14.215 our physical body, our emotions, our mind. It's all connected. So I kind 66 00:04:14.215 --> 00:04:17.940 of I use the word mental health because that's what everyone knows, but 67 00:04:18.180 --> 00:04:21.700 I think I try encourage people to think as a as a whole, you know, 68 00:04:21.700 --> 00:04:25.480 and with with the communities around us in fact because that's essentially 69 00:04:25.620 --> 00:04:29.160 probably the biggest impact on our mental health usually. 70 00:04:29.220 --> 00:04:32.820 Yeah. I I went through this with my, mother-in-law a couple of years 71 00:04:32.820 --> 00:04:36.185 ago. She's passed away since, but she was in hospital. 72 00:04:36.805 --> 00:04:40.185 And the hospital seemed so focused on her physical health, 73 00:04:40.885 --> 00:04:44.725 but she was struggling with her mental health, around early 74 00:04:44.725 --> 00:04:48.300 onset dementia, around anxiety, around just being 75 00:04:48.300 --> 00:04:52.060 uncomfortable in in the environment. They they weren't treating 76 00:04:52.060 --> 00:04:55.900 her holistically. So medical professions are so 77 00:04:55.900 --> 00:04:59.420 busy trying to put a sticky plaster on something and not actually get into 78 00:04:59.420 --> 00:05:02.505 people's heads. Are they? Yeah. Yeah. You're a 100% right. It's 79 00:05:03.065 --> 00:05:06.265 it's I think when we look at the system and how it works, I mean, 80 00:05:06.265 --> 00:05:10.105 it is still you know, NHS in this country, for example, it was 81 00:05:10.105 --> 00:05:13.725 designed to treat acute problems, not really complex 82 00:05:13.785 --> 00:05:17.470 chronic issues such as the one you described. And so, therefore, 83 00:05:17.610 --> 00:05:21.290 if it's not their problems, like, oh, it must be someone else's problem as 84 00:05:21.290 --> 00:05:24.970 opposed to actually, like, maybe we should all communicate and recognize that, actually, 85 00:05:24.970 --> 00:05:28.750 yes, what you just described is gonna make you struggle mentally and emotionally, 86 00:05:28.810 --> 00:05:31.865 you know, and, yeah, you know, that's gonna be impacting you and that in turn, 87 00:05:31.865 --> 00:05:34.445 it's gonna impact your physical health or vice versa. 88 00:05:35.625 --> 00:05:38.825 So it's a big issue I encounter because I often banging my head against brick 89 00:05:38.825 --> 00:05:42.530 walls. I'm saying, oh, we need to why don't we communicate and tackle this 90 00:05:42.530 --> 00:05:45.890 together? Or, actually, we also need to you know, if someone's comes to me and 91 00:05:45.890 --> 00:05:49.730 they've got no mood, but they've got chronic pain, for example, then it's like, why 92 00:05:49.730 --> 00:05:53.490 aren't why aren't we addressing that chronic pain as opposed to just thinking it's all 93 00:05:53.490 --> 00:05:57.135 in their head, which is often what people will often come to be saying they've 94 00:05:57.135 --> 00:06:00.975 been told. So it's a frustration of mine, I mean. When we live in a 95 00:06:01.055 --> 00:06:04.515 well, the modern world is 24 by 7. 96 00:06:05.135 --> 00:06:08.815 We're connected. We're addicted to our phones. We're feeding ourselves with 97 00:06:08.815 --> 00:06:12.490 social media. News is is polarizing us 98 00:06:12.490 --> 00:06:16.009 with negative stories and causing us to react to 99 00:06:16.009 --> 00:06:19.770 stuff and get emotionally engaged in things that we you know, 100 00:06:19.770 --> 00:06:23.370 20, 30 years ago, we would have been almost blissfully unaware of because the 101 00:06:23.370 --> 00:06:27.065 emotional engagement wasn't there. It's no wonder we're we're being 102 00:06:27.065 --> 00:06:30.825 pulled from emotion to emotion to to different things 103 00:06:30.825 --> 00:06:34.345 because there's so much going on in the world now, isn't it? Yeah. Lots of, 104 00:06:35.225 --> 00:06:38.250 it's when I'm often talking about with the clients I work with. It's like 105 00:06:38.810 --> 00:06:42.570 how I don't think we realize as a society is 106 00:06:42.570 --> 00:06:46.410 how we're so busy because we're plugged into all these things with 107 00:06:46.410 --> 00:06:50.170 all these stresses coming at us, stresses like you've already said that we wouldn't have 108 00:06:50.170 --> 00:06:52.810 been aware of. I mean, I wasn't aware of when I was a kid, like, 109 00:06:52.810 --> 00:06:56.634 what people the other city away from me or town were 110 00:06:56.634 --> 00:06:59.914 doing or the other village were doing, let alone what people are doing around the 111 00:06:59.914 --> 00:07:02.235 world and what was going on. Of course, you watch the news and see what's 112 00:07:02.235 --> 00:07:06.010 going on, but now we've got so many things going on, so many so 113 00:07:06.010 --> 00:07:08.810 many bad things that we see that can upset us, but also so many people 114 00:07:08.810 --> 00:07:12.490 to compare ourselves to that kind of it can make us it's 115 00:07:12.490 --> 00:07:16.330 so easy to become susceptible to struggling with our emotions mentally because 116 00:07:16.330 --> 00:07:20.025 we're looking at everyone thinking, why why aren't I achieving 117 00:07:20.025 --> 00:07:23.785 that? Or that's awful. I can't believe that's happening. When reality is we don't really 118 00:07:23.785 --> 00:07:27.065 have any impact over that stuff. We only have impact over ourselves and what we 119 00:07:27.065 --> 00:07:30.105 choose to do to that to day to day. But it can be easy to 120 00:07:30.105 --> 00:07:33.460 forget that when everything's going on around us, and that's all we're watching. Yeah. I 121 00:07:33.460 --> 00:07:36.440 mean, I I've I've done some TV interviews and things in the past, 122 00:07:37.380 --> 00:07:41.060 and one of the one of the key anchor questions is, how are you feeling? 123 00:07:41.060 --> 00:07:43.700 How does that make you feel? How how are you on that? You you win 124 00:07:43.700 --> 00:07:46.260 an Olympic medal. The first thing to do is stick a mic in your face 125 00:07:46.260 --> 00:07:49.875 is, how do you feel about that? So we're we're thriving on 126 00:07:49.875 --> 00:07:53.315 someone else's energy and feelings, aren't we? We're trying to build this 127 00:07:53.315 --> 00:07:57.074 empathy. Yeah. And, of course, we're absorbing that. And if I 128 00:07:57.074 --> 00:08:00.535 don't feel great, this person's gonna make me feel worse. 129 00:08:01.230 --> 00:08:04.990 Yeah. Yeah. And I you know, it's a problem because 130 00:08:04.990 --> 00:08:08.690 of, like, I think when you're when you're looking at some when you're 131 00:08:09.070 --> 00:08:12.670 looking at people who have success, for example, for example, it can often make us 132 00:08:12.670 --> 00:08:15.275 look at our lives, can't it, if you're not in a good spot. And, you 133 00:08:15.275 --> 00:08:18.475 know, comparison is not the worst thing in the world. Like, it's good to have 134 00:08:18.475 --> 00:08:22.075 role models and ask yourselves, how can I be like or achieve that 135 00:08:22.075 --> 00:08:25.675 person, be achieved what that person's achieved, that sort of stuff? But if we're not 136 00:08:25.675 --> 00:08:29.490 in a good spot, and many people aren't, most people I would say 137 00:08:29.490 --> 00:08:33.330 have terrible relationships with themselves even though on the surface on social media, they act 138 00:08:33.330 --> 00:08:37.169 like everything's, you know, got everything together. But when we're doing that, it can often 139 00:08:37.169 --> 00:08:41.010 just make ourselves feel worse. You know? Seeing people achieve success all the 140 00:08:41.010 --> 00:08:44.545 time, whatever that looks whatever that is can just make us feel awful and 141 00:08:44.545 --> 00:08:47.685 especially if we're in a bad spot. But also, I think 142 00:08:48.305 --> 00:08:51.745 on the flip side, I would say that even though it's good to be vulnerable 143 00:08:51.745 --> 00:08:54.485 and share our worst experiences, 144 00:08:55.330 --> 00:08:59.010 Sometimes we can also get attached to that and 145 00:08:59.010 --> 00:09:02.790 almost feel like we, you know, we watch content that kind 146 00:09:03.250 --> 00:09:06.630 of reaffirms what we're experiencing, but equally, 147 00:09:07.089 --> 00:09:10.665 that validation can keep us stuck as well. So it's kind of I 148 00:09:10.665 --> 00:09:14.425 find with that stuff, it's kind of like, we need a happy medium, really. We 149 00:09:14.425 --> 00:09:16.745 need to, yes, look at people who are gonna push us out of our comfort 150 00:09:16.745 --> 00:09:19.625 zone even though I hate to say an access such a cliche term, but I'm 151 00:09:19.625 --> 00:09:23.145 gonna say it anyway. But we also want people to make us realize that actually 152 00:09:23.145 --> 00:09:26.949 where we are, we're not alone. We're not isolated in that. We're 153 00:09:27.410 --> 00:09:30.449 not this isn't where we're gonna be. This is where it's okay to feel how 154 00:09:30.449 --> 00:09:34.149 we do, but so but we don't wanna stay there. So it's kind of like, 155 00:09:34.370 --> 00:09:38.065 how do we find that happy medium? I'm still I'm still struggling with 156 00:09:38.065 --> 00:09:40.785 that one myself just to be real. It's like, who do I follow that makes 157 00:09:40.785 --> 00:09:44.625 you feel like I'm pushing myself a little bit, but also not too far 158 00:09:44.625 --> 00:09:47.904 where I'm like, oh god. This is just I can't take this. That's where the 159 00:09:47.904 --> 00:09:51.300 word authenticity comes in. It's you want you want to 160 00:09:51.300 --> 00:09:55.079 associate yourself with people who are real and succeeding, 161 00:09:55.860 --> 00:09:59.620 not faking it, their success, or faking their mental 162 00:09:59.620 --> 00:10:03.060 health, or faking their what they're achieving. Because I'm going through a a weight loss 163 00:10:03.060 --> 00:10:06.714 journey at the moment, and I'm a member of some of these, Facebook support 164 00:10:06.714 --> 00:10:10.314 groups. And clearly, some people are making stuff 165 00:10:10.314 --> 00:10:13.675 up. Some people are trolling people or throwing comments in 166 00:10:13.675 --> 00:10:17.435 there. And you get people if yourself go, I'm a failure. I can't do what 167 00:10:17.435 --> 00:10:20.060 everyone else is doing. I I need to quit. I need to get I feel 168 00:10:20.060 --> 00:10:23.660 like a cream cake because I I'm just feeling so depressed myself because 169 00:10:23.660 --> 00:10:27.020 everybody else in the world is better than me. So you gotta try and create 170 00:10:27.020 --> 00:10:30.560 the supportive environment with authentic people who create realistic 171 00:10:30.700 --> 00:10:34.495 achievables, not this magical I can do it, 172 00:10:34.495 --> 00:10:37.535 you can do it stuff that people pump out all the time. It's a problem 173 00:10:37.535 --> 00:10:41.154 though what you've you said there because I think society, 174 00:10:42.735 --> 00:10:46.495 you know, when it comes to selling and the, say, the well-being 175 00:10:46.495 --> 00:10:50.110 mental health, emotional health space Nowadays, 176 00:10:50.250 --> 00:10:53.610 because of social media, you know, the people are trying to sell you this idea 177 00:10:53.610 --> 00:10:57.370 of healing recovery and stuff, and I've touched 178 00:10:57.370 --> 00:11:00.910 on this before, but no one wants likes uncertainty 179 00:11:01.290 --> 00:11:04.305 really. We like a little bit, but we don't like uncertainty. So when we're buying 180 00:11:04.305 --> 00:11:07.605 a product, we don't want to be told this might work. 181 00:11:08.385 --> 00:11:12.145 We want to be told this will work. This is definitely going 182 00:11:12.145 --> 00:11:15.925 to heal my trauma. And I think that's what encourages, 183 00:11:15.985 --> 00:11:19.680 especially in that space or, you know, and in this the 184 00:11:19.680 --> 00:11:22.800 space I work in is people to go on and book on on t on 185 00:11:22.800 --> 00:11:25.279 social media and say, I can heal this. I can hear that because they know 186 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:28.079 that will get people to buy the stuff even if it doesn't work. But it 187 00:11:28.160 --> 00:11:31.380 it's not authentic. Like you said, it's like it's it's it's that illusion. 188 00:11:32.235 --> 00:11:35.995 You're you're you're just kidding people. And when when you talk about 189 00:11:35.995 --> 00:11:39.755 that journey then, then people want to be seen to be successful. They want to 190 00:11:39.755 --> 00:11:43.515 be seen to be smashing their goals, because to 191 00:11:43.515 --> 00:11:47.180 not do that makes them feel like the person the the person who's not already 192 00:11:47.180 --> 00:11:50.700 not good enough, that just reinforms that. But, actually, I think what you've touched upon 193 00:11:50.700 --> 00:11:53.980 there and that authenticity is actually and it's something I always try to do with 194 00:11:53.980 --> 00:11:57.500 everyone is I try and make them realize that there's most people are bullshitting you 195 00:11:57.500 --> 00:12:01.095 in society. Everyone's struggling to an extent. Yes. There's periods where you have good 196 00:12:01.095 --> 00:12:04.295 moments. There's periods with bad people, but no one's doing as well as they are 197 00:12:04.295 --> 00:12:07.575 making out their doing. I don't believe it anyway. I don't believe any influence in 198 00:12:07.575 --> 00:12:11.410 social media or anyone out is doing as well as they're doing. So it's really 199 00:12:11.410 --> 00:12:15.170 important when I'm when you're viewing that to go actually, is this real or 200 00:12:15.170 --> 00:12:18.770 is this just a glimpse of what they're showing or actually what they're trying to 201 00:12:18.770 --> 00:12:22.130 make me believe? I mean, of course, I'm sure there are people out there who 202 00:12:22.130 --> 00:12:25.810 are really successful and doing amazing things, but in your example, it's like important. I 203 00:12:25.810 --> 00:12:29.625 just find, like, taking with a pinch of salt, don't compare yourself to that 204 00:12:29.625 --> 00:12:33.225 person who's supposedly getting top marks and 205 00:12:33.225 --> 00:12:37.065 smashing their weight loss journey. Just take it back and go focus on what 206 00:12:37.065 --> 00:12:40.505 you're doing. And, yeah, just again, take it just with a pinch of salt what 207 00:12:40.505 --> 00:12:44.000 you're seeing out there. It's, but it's much easier than said than done 208 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:47.779 because we live in a world where we're we're meant to be showing our successes, 209 00:12:47.839 --> 00:12:51.279 aren't we? You know, no matter how much people are vulnerable, how 210 00:12:51.279 --> 00:12:55.120 vulnerable are we prepared to be in reality. Let's say, look 211 00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.945 in business in the business gurus, how honest are they when they have 212 00:12:58.945 --> 00:13:02.785 a bad period? They're probably sharing you, like, a a struggle with 213 00:13:02.785 --> 00:13:06.385 their mental health, but are they showing you that actually, god, I've lost a load 214 00:13:06.385 --> 00:13:10.180 of money this month for all that sort of stuff. Are people really that vulnerable? 215 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:14.160 I don't know. Probably not. It's like LinkedIn experts and people who tell 216 00:13:14.160 --> 00:13:17.680 you talk about marketing and business development and growth. Yeah. They've only got a 217 00:13:17.680 --> 00:13:21.459 1,000 followers. You think, really? How long have you been at this? 218 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:25.020 But, yeah, I always think it's it's a bit like the 219 00:13:25.020 --> 00:13:28.395 National Lottery. Do I seriously believe I'm gonna win a 220 00:13:28.395 --> 00:13:32.175 157,000,000 on the EuroMillions on Friday? No. 221 00:13:33.195 --> 00:13:36.715 But what I'm doing by buying a ticket is I'm buying 222 00:13:36.715 --> 00:13:40.540 hope. Yes. I'm not buying reality. I'm buying a 223 00:13:40.540 --> 00:13:44.380 dream. I'm buying hope. A lot of these people who are selling you stuff are 224 00:13:44.380 --> 00:13:48.220 selling dreams and selling hope. And every so often, you'll 225 00:13:48.220 --> 00:13:51.980 get the winners of with a massive check. They're on telly, and they're there's 226 00:13:51.980 --> 00:13:55.555 champagne flowing. And you go, oh, that's what I'm dreaming of. That's my 227 00:13:55.555 --> 00:13:59.315 hope. But I don't seriously believe I'll ever win the lottery or 228 00:13:59.315 --> 00:14:03.075 anything more than 3 quid or whatever you win on a regular basis. If 229 00:14:03.075 --> 00:14:06.629 I don't buy a ticket, I hope I haven't got hope. I never 230 00:14:06.629 --> 00:14:09.509 win. So you have to be you have to be in it to have hope. 231 00:14:09.509 --> 00:14:12.889 I think what people get buy into is is the thought of hope, 232 00:14:13.269 --> 00:14:17.110 and that's why we gotta we gotta respect people. Because if we dash 233 00:14:17.110 --> 00:14:20.410 their hope, we're inauthentic. What we do is we end up 234 00:14:20.550 --> 00:14:24.385 destroying a belief and that that hope they had and that that 235 00:14:24.385 --> 00:14:28.145 their trust will be will be harder to give next time. Yeah. Yeah. 236 00:14:28.145 --> 00:14:31.985 And hope's so important. I think it's it's probably you 237 00:14:31.985 --> 00:14:35.710 got I mean, the people who struggle the most with the clients 238 00:14:35.710 --> 00:14:38.990 I struggle with are kind of and they're usually because of what they've experienced growing 239 00:14:38.990 --> 00:14:42.770 up. They've lost that kind of all sense of hope. Almost their identity is almost 240 00:14:42.830 --> 00:14:46.670 wrapped around this idea that they will never be able to achieve or 241 00:14:46.670 --> 00:14:50.435 be anything meaningful, you know, so they 242 00:14:50.435 --> 00:14:54.195 literally all hope's gone. That's not necessarily their fault. It is 243 00:14:54.195 --> 00:14:57.875 their responsibility to challenge, with the support of 244 00:14:57.875 --> 00:15:01.714 people around them, but, yeah, hope is so important. And I like the 245 00:15:01.714 --> 00:15:05.350 idea with the lottery because that kind of made me feel like, well, yes, 246 00:15:05.889 --> 00:15:09.170 none not many of us are gonna win the lottery, but maybe it's not about 247 00:15:09.170 --> 00:15:13.009 the destination of winning the lottery, it's about if I keep buying a 248 00:15:13.009 --> 00:15:16.850 ticket, which could be representation of the things I do every day to look after 249 00:15:16.850 --> 00:15:20.425 myself, even though I might win not win the lottery, I'm 250 00:15:20.425 --> 00:15:24.185 likely to feel better. Maybe the maybe the lottery is a good so if I 251 00:15:24.185 --> 00:15:26.665 kept buying tickets and kept losing, I think, well, I've just wasted all this money, 252 00:15:26.665 --> 00:15:28.505 but you know what I mean? I'm kind of getting that, like, you you have 253 00:15:28.505 --> 00:15:31.465 to keep buying a ticket to be in it. So that's that hope of maybe 254 00:15:31.465 --> 00:15:34.920 getting there. And then and actually maybe the idea is 255 00:15:34.920 --> 00:15:38.440 actually, eventually, you get to buy so many tickets. You go, actually, I don't need 256 00:15:38.440 --> 00:15:41.880 to win the lottery. I'm actually okay, which is usually what happens, isn't it, with 257 00:15:41.880 --> 00:15:45.640 the lottery? So Yeah. But the lottery is 258 00:15:45.640 --> 00:15:49.165 very good. Yeah. Getting in your head because every month or so, you'll win a 259 00:15:49.165 --> 00:15:52.685 tenner. And then maybe you'll win 50 quid. So that 260 00:15:52.685 --> 00:15:56.125 that tops your hope up. You got a lot of I've won something, like the 261 00:15:56.125 --> 00:15:59.885 endorphins. I feel good about myself. Yeah. We let's go let's go buy a takeaway 262 00:15:59.885 --> 00:16:03.460 with the tenner we just won. So it says some micro validations, 263 00:16:03.520 --> 00:16:07.060 those micro rewards Yeah. Keep you in the game. 264 00:16:07.280 --> 00:16:10.880 I think I think what you're trying to tell me is your mental health needs 265 00:16:10.880 --> 00:16:14.420 those validations Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That are achievable 266 00:16:14.880 --> 00:16:18.575 and frequent enough that you maintain the 267 00:16:18.575 --> 00:16:22.335 hope. Exactly. And I think this is the problem. I always say 268 00:16:22.335 --> 00:16:26.175 to people that our emotions tend to follow 269 00:16:26.175 --> 00:16:29.935 our actions. So everyone says, I will I will do this when I feel 270 00:16:29.935 --> 00:16:33.750 better or do that when I feel better. And but I always kind 271 00:16:33.750 --> 00:16:36.870 of describe it like if you can imagine an airplane in the sky. Never seen 272 00:16:36.870 --> 00:16:40.709 an airplane in the sky, it's that big cloud that comes behind it. Now 273 00:16:40.709 --> 00:16:44.230 the airplane is like your actions, you doing the things, but your 274 00:16:44.230 --> 00:16:47.935 emotions are following behind, And I always say that, you know, if 275 00:16:47.935 --> 00:16:51.295 you keep doing the right things, if you do the right 276 00:16:51.295 --> 00:16:55.134 actions over time, eventually, you will start to 277 00:16:55.134 --> 00:16:58.814 feel better. Now people don't like to hear that because it's hard 278 00:16:58.814 --> 00:17:02.519 because we you know, as much as I'm not gonna I don't want people 279 00:17:02.519 --> 00:17:06.280 to mistake me saying, like, oh, exercise in sleep, spending 280 00:17:06.280 --> 00:17:09.799 time with good people, doing things you enjoy is the answer to 281 00:17:09.799 --> 00:17:13.640 healing your trauma. But by doing that, you will create a 282 00:17:13.640 --> 00:17:16.934 state a kind of a the foundations beneath you 283 00:17:17.714 --> 00:17:21.154 that enable you to then process some of that trauma and deal with it in 284 00:17:21.154 --> 00:17:24.914 a best way. It's kinda like the foundations, like the reco it's it's like 285 00:17:24.914 --> 00:17:28.140 a safety blanket. You know, when you it was or one of those crash mats 286 00:17:28.140 --> 00:17:31.980 or something you see that start stomp and land. When life inevitably smacks you 287 00:17:31.980 --> 00:17:35.180 in the face and knocks you over, which it will do, doing those right thing 288 00:17:35.180 --> 00:17:38.080 kind of protects you a bit more from hitting rock bottom. 289 00:17:39.100 --> 00:17:42.184 So but, you know, it's but we have to do those things to to get 290 00:17:42.184 --> 00:17:45.545 to that point first. It's not like, oh, I'm gonna make a magic wand and 291 00:17:45.545 --> 00:17:49.385 you're just gonna feel better. It's like, no. It's what you repeatedly do every 292 00:17:49.385 --> 00:17:52.205 day or a frequency that works for you that generally 293 00:17:53.465 --> 00:17:57.090 has far has a big say in how you're gonna feel and how how you 294 00:17:57.090 --> 00:18:00.770 feel about yourself moving forward. And that's the hardest bit because when 295 00:18:00.770 --> 00:18:04.289 you've really been through when you've really been through a hard time and you've had 296 00:18:04.289 --> 00:18:08.015 people tell you you're worthless, you've earned that you're 297 00:18:08.015 --> 00:18:11.215 no good, and you've been in environments that have made you feel small and lose 298 00:18:11.215 --> 00:18:14.975 that connection with yourself, then it can be really hard to feel like you have 299 00:18:14.975 --> 00:18:18.735 that power to do that sort of stuff. I mean, we whether you 300 00:18:18.735 --> 00:18:22.360 subscribe to Maslow's hierarchy of needs or not, but we we there are a lot 301 00:18:22.360 --> 00:18:26.120 of people who are if you're if you're worried about where your next meal's coming 302 00:18:26.120 --> 00:18:29.240 from, you're worried about what's on a roof over your head, you're worried about the 303 00:18:29.240 --> 00:18:32.299 short term stuff, whether you've got enough money to put in the meeting tonight, 304 00:18:33.080 --> 00:18:36.755 you haven't got time to think about relationships and 305 00:18:36.755 --> 00:18:40.115 good times and relaxing and going for a walk and chilling in the 306 00:18:40.115 --> 00:18:42.615 sun. You're so focused on now. 307 00:18:43.635 --> 00:18:47.235 Yeah. It's like it's like we we're all designed to cope with so 308 00:18:47.235 --> 00:18:50.630 much stress. And when we're and, you know, when 309 00:18:50.630 --> 00:18:54.230 we've exposed to too much stress over a period of time, that's when mental, emotional 310 00:18:54.230 --> 00:18:57.910 health challenges come in. Now one thing I don't think we acknowledge as a 311 00:18:57.910 --> 00:19:01.350 society is much is is like what you said, like the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 312 00:19:01.350 --> 00:19:05.095 Like, we say to, you know, people for instance, pet regards 313 00:19:05.095 --> 00:19:08.934 parenting. Right? We know that what's really good for parenting is people 314 00:19:08.934 --> 00:19:12.615 being present and meeting the needs of their children in that moment as best they 315 00:19:12.615 --> 00:19:16.135 can. You know? But if you're a parent 316 00:19:16.135 --> 00:19:19.919 who, yeah, is struggling to pay your bills, is is your 317 00:19:19.919 --> 00:19:23.440 insecure, accommodation, so, you know, 318 00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:26.980 you you it could be up you could be up for eviction for whatever reason. 319 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:31.120 Maybe you've experienced some trauma, abuse, you're in a dysfunctional family, maybe 320 00:19:31.120 --> 00:19:34.434 there's an addiction in there. That's a whole lot of stress that is affecting your 321 00:19:34.434 --> 00:19:37.095 ability to be present. So literally, 322 00:19:38.275 --> 00:19:42.115 if they didn't have those things or you had a less of those things, you'd 323 00:19:42.115 --> 00:19:45.875 have more time and energy and focus, more capacity to work on, you 324 00:19:45.875 --> 00:19:49.330 know, yourself. But we don't really talk about that enough. I think we there's so 325 00:19:49.330 --> 00:19:52.870 much emphasis, and I'm a big believer in personal responsibility. But how 326 00:19:52.930 --> 00:19:56.770 much effort and energy do you have to focus on these things you 327 00:19:56.770 --> 00:20:00.185 need to change when you've got so many things out of your 328 00:20:00.185 --> 00:20:03.865 control or that feel out of your control that are affecting your ability to be 329 00:20:03.865 --> 00:20:07.545 present in that moment? It's it's, you know, it's real merely, I would 330 00:20:07.545 --> 00:20:11.165 say most mental, emotional health problems are social problems 331 00:20:11.950 --> 00:20:14.770 in the sense that, like, if our needs are being met 332 00:20:15.790 --> 00:20:19.550 physically and emotionally, then it makes it really hard to work on those 333 00:20:19.550 --> 00:20:23.310 things we need to work on. Yeah. We know the physical exercise. We also know 334 00:20:23.310 --> 00:20:26.075 that human love, human relationships 335 00:20:26.855 --> 00:20:30.455 also in there. And I've I've realized that some of it's 336 00:20:30.455 --> 00:20:34.055 around touch. So I know that if I hug 337 00:20:34.055 --> 00:20:37.890 somebody or I hold someone's hand, I feel them. I 338 00:20:37.890 --> 00:20:41.730 can feel this mutual energy transfer Yeah. Is more than 1 plus 339 00:20:41.730 --> 00:20:45.270 1. It's it's 1 plus 1 equals 5. It's it's it's suddenly you feel this 340 00:20:45.650 --> 00:20:49.250 emotional lift just by having that human contact. And the 341 00:20:49.250 --> 00:20:53.085 power of that energy transfer is completely underrated. 342 00:20:53.145 --> 00:20:56.924 And that's why I think when you're lonely or alone or retracting 343 00:20:56.985 --> 00:21:00.745 into yourself, you you miss that human connection. Well, 344 00:21:00.745 --> 00:21:04.345 I yeah. I mean, I would say everyone I work with, but also from my 345 00:21:04.345 --> 00:21:07.990 own experience, I think, whether it's the touch 346 00:21:07.990 --> 00:21:11.770 or just that kind of validation, acknowledgement that you exist 347 00:21:12.550 --> 00:21:16.390 as you are as a person, regardless of who you're trying 348 00:21:16.390 --> 00:21:20.230 to be to fit in, I think when we don't have that, that's kind 349 00:21:20.230 --> 00:21:23.535 of that's what makes us struggle. If we don't feel like we can be ourselves 350 00:21:23.535 --> 00:21:26.815 and express how we really feel and do the things we want to in life, 351 00:21:26.815 --> 00:21:29.615 and if we have to feel like we could constantly at the high parts and 352 00:21:29.615 --> 00:21:33.294 wear masks in a sense of showing up in different ways to appease everyone 353 00:21:33.294 --> 00:21:36.430 else, eventually, you will get to a point where we're like, what the hell is 354 00:21:36.430 --> 00:21:40.270 going on here? Like, I'm so miserable. I'm struggling. I'm anxious. You know? 355 00:21:40.270 --> 00:21:44.030 That's what ends up happening to us. And I think it all comes back 356 00:21:44.030 --> 00:21:47.825 to that, yeah, that environment, that connection, that that 357 00:21:47.825 --> 00:21:51.665 touch, let's just say, whether it's physical or emotional, where we have people around 358 00:21:51.665 --> 00:21:55.425 us who just go, I see you, who you are, and I love you 359 00:21:55.425 --> 00:21:58.065 for who you are. I may not love some of the things you do, but 360 00:21:58.065 --> 00:22:01.720 I'm gonna accept that and, you know, I'm gonna I just want you to be 361 00:22:01.720 --> 00:22:05.100 you, and I think it's so important. And I know that for me, not necessarily 362 00:22:05.160 --> 00:22:08.680 what I the the significant individual traumatic events they weren't they 363 00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:11.960 weren't the big things, even though they're the Hollywood things when it comes to telling 364 00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:15.595 my story, it was actually that lack of peep the main people in my life 365 00:22:15.595 --> 00:22:19.355 saying, what do you need, Alex? I'm here for you. I love you 366 00:22:19.355 --> 00:22:23.035 for who you are. That's what caused most of my struggle as I grew up. 367 00:22:23.035 --> 00:22:26.769 And now you mentioned do do you wanna dive into a bit of your 368 00:22:27.070 --> 00:22:30.909 own history and mental health journey? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure. I mean, how much 369 00:22:31.389 --> 00:22:35.149 start. Yeah. I mean, okay. Let's start from the beginning. I was 370 00:22:35.149 --> 00:22:38.924 born into a normal well, what I would consider my mum and dad 371 00:22:38.924 --> 00:22:42.765 were married, dad was a lawyer, solicitor, doing really well work in 372 00:22:42.765 --> 00:22:46.284 London, my mum was a general nurse, but my first real 373 00:22:46.284 --> 00:22:49.345 memory was them breaking up. My dad had an affair, 374 00:22:50.220 --> 00:22:53.900 My mom rightly was like, nah. I'm out. This this goes. So they 375 00:22:53.900 --> 00:22:57.360 separate us around 3 or 4. Now 376 00:22:58.059 --> 00:23:01.040 my mom would then 377 00:23:01.660 --> 00:23:05.355 understand me so, which often happens with anyone who's had their hearts broken in such 378 00:23:05.355 --> 00:23:08.795 a way kind of I got the impression that she just kind of lost a 379 00:23:08.795 --> 00:23:12.635 lot of confidence, self worth, self esteem, and ended up essentially with someone who 380 00:23:12.635 --> 00:23:15.535 was abusive. She ended up getting married to this person. 381 00:23:16.790 --> 00:23:20.390 My I used to basically live with my mom, see my dad every 2 weeks. 382 00:23:20.390 --> 00:23:23.990 But during the time living with my mom, I can remember him beating up his 383 00:23:23.990 --> 00:23:27.830 stepchildren, kind of making threats to harm me. My 384 00:23:27.830 --> 00:23:30.870 mom would say, like, no. I don't want you touching my kids, and she kind 385 00:23:30.870 --> 00:23:34.095 of had a handle on that, but he never did touch us. But there was 386 00:23:34.095 --> 00:23:37.475 that constant fear, you know, I was constant when I was there. I'd be terrified. 387 00:23:38.014 --> 00:23:40.975 Go to my dad's every other weekend and at the best time, he would spoil 388 00:23:40.975 --> 00:23:44.495 me, you know, take me for pizzas, buy me toys, all that sort of stuff. 389 00:23:44.495 --> 00:23:47.900 So I was, like, idolizing my dad. Life at home was 390 00:23:47.900 --> 00:23:51.580 terrible with my mom, and that was kind of my life 391 00:23:51.580 --> 00:23:55.340 then. I mean, we did kind of escape my abusive stepdad for 392 00:23:55.340 --> 00:23:59.115 a while and we stayed with my grandparents briefly, But 393 00:23:59.115 --> 00:24:02.875 he's the store cousin. I think he kinda push pressured my mom and probably said 394 00:24:02.875 --> 00:24:05.915 all the things that most people do when they want someone back, that they're changed 395 00:24:05.915 --> 00:24:09.675 and all that. But anyway, we went back. I was around 8 396 00:24:09.675 --> 00:24:13.299 years at the time, and one night 397 00:24:13.299 --> 00:24:17.140 in sleeping in my sister's room because I was terrified to sleep in my own 398 00:24:17.140 --> 00:24:20.980 room, this policeman burst into my room. It's 399 00:24:20.980 --> 00:24:23.860 about 3 in the morning, and I was like, what the hell is going on 400 00:24:23.860 --> 00:24:27.405 here? Took got me out, got us out of a room, took me 401 00:24:27.405 --> 00:24:30.525