Joanne Lockwood: Welcome to Inclusion Bites, your sanctuary
Joanne Lockwood: for bold conversations that spark change. I'm Joanne Lockwood,
Joanne Lockwood: your guide on this journey of exploration into the heart of
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Joanne Lockwood: So adjust your earbuds and settle in. It's time to
Joanne Lockwood: ignite the spark of inclusion with Inclusion Bites.
Joanne Lockwood: And today is episode 176 with
Joanne Lockwood: the title the Courage To Be Seen.
Joanne Lockwood: And I have the absolute honour and privilege to welcome Ayce Kyptyn.
Joanne Lockwood: Ayce is a somatic sexologist on a mission to help others
Joanne Lockwood: explore their identity and authenticity through deep
Joanne Lockwood: healing and embodied self expression.
Joanne Lockwood: When I asked Ayce to describe his superpower, he said it is being able to
Joanne Lockwood: hold a compassionate space for others exists fully and
Joanne Lockwood: truthfully. Hello, Ace, welcome to the show. Hey, Jo, it's nice
Ayce Kyptyn: to be on the show with you today. So whereabouts
Joanne Lockwood: are you in the world? From that accent, I'm guessing you're not in the uk.
Ayce Kyptyn: No, I'm originally from the Midwest of the United States, but I live in Boulder,
Ayce Kyptyn: Colorado. Boulder, Colorado, Wow. Is that. That's near the
Joanne Lockwood: Grand Canyon? Always a way. But we got the Rocky
Ayce Kyptyn: Mountains here and so I'm an avid jeeper, so I enjoy being outdoors,
Ayce Kyptyn: doing a lot of trail rides. So this is the perfect place for. Oh, that
Ayce Kyptyn: sounds awesome. That's loads of fun. Wow. Never
Ayce Kyptyn: been to Colorado. It's on the list. On the list, but yeah. Well, I got
Ayce Kyptyn: a place for you to stay if you come. So let us let. Let me,
Ayce Kyptyn: let me know. Ah, well, there we are. We've got a
Joanne Lockwood: date. Yeah. Give us sometime when it's possible.
Joanne Lockwood: Yeah, let's see what we can do. So, Ace, a somatic
Joanne Lockwood: sexologist. I mean that. I'm just. I'm just intrigued.
Joanne Lockwood: Hopefully if you're listening to this, you're intrigued as well and you've had
Joanne Lockwood: an interesting life journey,
Joanne Lockwood: discovering yourself and I guess you're using some of that as a. As
Joanne Lockwood: a lever to help others. So do you want to give us a
Joanne Lockwood: bit of your story? Yeah, absolutely.
Ayce Kyptyn: So in 2022, my life fell apart. I
Ayce Kyptyn: lost everything. I lost my job, my family, my
Ayce Kyptyn: career. Like I had a 20 year career as a professional
Ayce Kyptyn: theologian. And I was let go due to a reorganisation
Ayce Kyptyn: and it was completely out of the blue and I was just building a custom
Ayce Kyptyn: lake house and so I went, oh, no,
Ayce Kyptyn: like I no longer have an income to afford
Ayce Kyptyn: the place that I live in. And basically what happened was my life was
Ayce Kyptyn: thrown into chaos. And from that I started
Ayce Kyptyn: questioning and critically thinking about how I lived my life for
Ayce Kyptyn: the first 38 years. And I realised that I wasn't being authentic
Ayce Kyptyn: to who I am. I was doing what everybody else in this world wanted
Ayce Kyptyn: me to do. And I think a lot of us do that. You know, we
Ayce Kyptyn: go to school, we get a job, because maybe our parents said, hey, this is
Ayce Kyptyn: the path you should take, but it's not necessarily the path that you
Ayce Kyptyn: wanted to take or I wanted to take in life. And so
Ayce Kyptyn: in losing everything, I started to critically think about how I got there
Ayce Kyptyn: and what I actually wanted to do with my life. And so as I
Ayce Kyptyn: was sitting on my therapist's couch, it became really clear to me that I was
Ayce Kyptyn: trans and I had lived a life as a female. I was an executive
Ayce Kyptyn: leader and that was all gone. And so I was like, how do I
Ayce Kyptyn: want to rebuild my life? And in such a way that I'm actually happy and
Ayce Kyptyn: enjoying the lifestyle that I have. And so I ended up
Ayce Kyptyn: watching a show called Sex, Love and Goop. It's on Netflix, it's free. It's
Ayce Kyptyn: a really fun show that you can binge watch over a weekend. But basically what
Ayce Kyptyn: happens is there's somatic sexologists that are taking clients into
Ayce Kyptyn: a room and as the storyline unfolds, you can see their
Ayce Kyptyn: lifestyle start to change and they're actually living a life of pleasure
Ayce Kyptyn: versus a life of pain. And so as I was watching the show, I was
Ayce Kyptyn: like, I need that in my life because I understand pain really well.
Ayce Kyptyn: I've been living a lifestyle of pain my entire life, but I
Ayce Kyptyn: would love to transform it into pleasure. And so
Ayce Kyptyn: I hired a somatic sexologist. I went and had my own sex loving,
Ayce Kyptyn: goop like experience. And my life
Ayce Kyptyn: was completely transformed because I was awakened to the
Ayce Kyptyn: sensations in my body and who I really am. And so from that
Ayce Kyptyn: I decided, you know what? I need to provide this experience for other people. And
Ayce Kyptyn: so I got trained in somatic sexology, got a bunch of
Ayce Kyptyn: certifications, and now that's what I'm doing. I'm helping other people
Ayce Kyptyn: land in their bodies and have an erotically liberated lifestyle. I've got loads of
Joanne Lockwood: questions in my head from that. First of all, there's two
Joanne Lockwood: words, somatic and sexologist. Could you just maybe
Joanne Lockwood: break each of those two words down and just give me a. Give me a
Joanne Lockwood: reference point for what a sexologist is and what
Joanne Lockwood: a somatic version of a sexologist is? Yeah, So a
Ayce Kyptyn: sexologist is somebody that studies sex. Right. It's like a theologist would study God
Ayce Kyptyn: or religion. So I study sex. So a lot of it is
Ayce Kyptyn: gender identity, expression and orientation and helping people
Ayce Kyptyn: critically think about their life and their lifestyle and what they really want
Ayce Kyptyn: out of it. And then how to get that. And then the somatic piece
Ayce Kyptyn: of it is actually just landing in your body and being true to what's there
Ayce Kyptyn: and recognising and realising the sensations and the feelings that are going
Ayce Kyptyn: on and really embodying who you want to be and
Ayce Kyptyn: living that out. So it's that alignment of self
Joanne Lockwood: with spiritually, physically, mentally, everything
Joanne Lockwood: kind of aligned so that you're, to use the overused expression
Joanne Lockwood: true to yourself is what you're trying to say here.
Joanne Lockwood: Does that reflect that? Often the
Joanne Lockwood: hardest person to come out to, whatever that may mean to you, is yourself
Joanne Lockwood: admitting to yourself who you are, what you are, what's important to you. Because
Joanne Lockwood: we, we all tend to live by other people's rules, don't we?
Joanne Lockwood: We leave as we grow up, we have expectations set on
Joanne Lockwood: us by our parents, our community, our relatives, and then we just end up in
Joanne Lockwood: conveyor belt. And sometimes we gotta. We gotta
Joanne Lockwood: realise that who are we exactly? We
Ayce Kyptyn: all are playing a character in this world. We all have this Persona that we've
Ayce Kyptyn: created of who we are and that becomes our identity. But is that
Ayce Kyptyn: really your identity and who you really are? Are you allowing all of yourself
Ayce Kyptyn: to exist or are you only allowing a certain portion of yourself to exist?
Ayce Kyptyn: Because that's okay in society and it's acceptable, right? And
Ayce Kyptyn: so what I do in my. In my work with people is I allow all
Ayce Kyptyn: of them to exist. The good, the bad, the ugly, what they think is
Ayce Kyptyn: right or wrong. Like all of it's welcomed in this space because
Ayce Kyptyn: it's all of you. And I think what a lot of us do is we
Ayce Kyptyn: really repress those desires because it's not seen as something that's
Ayce Kyptyn: actually, you know, okay to have in this world.
Ayce Kyptyn: And that's where a lot of the, like, incongruency and, you know, the
Ayce Kyptyn: lack of alignment happens. And that's why we're so Sad and frustrated because we're not
Ayce Kyptyn: living a life that's true to who we are and expressing that in this world
Ayce Kyptyn: today. Yeah. You must be a good girl. You must be a strong boy.
Joanne Lockwood: Repress your emotions, be emotional. Want a family,
Joanne Lockwood: not want a family. Can't be gay, must be straight, can't be
Joanne Lockwood: trans, must be CIS living up to those
Joanne Lockwood: societal constructs. And often we have our own communities that
Joanne Lockwood: enforce and police us into those boxes, doesn't it? Absolutely.
Joanne Lockwood: Yeah. You mentioned the fact that. Was it 2022,
Joanne Lockwood: your world turned upside down. Was that the
Joanne Lockwood: first inkling you had around your own incongruence of
Joanne Lockwood: identity, or had it been plaguing you? Absolutely not.
Ayce Kyptyn: It had been plaguing me my whole life. I mean, I knew
Ayce Kyptyn: at the age of four, and I think my parents knew it too, right. Of,
Ayce Kyptyn: like, I was way more into boy things. I wanted to be muddy, be
Ayce Kyptyn: really active, do sports. I didn't want to wear makeup, do my hair
Ayce Kyptyn: dresses. Right. Like, it was my entire life that I was. I
Ayce Kyptyn: was fighting this societal norm. And I knew that I was gender
Ayce Kyptyn: incongruent. There was no gender conformity. Right. I knew that, but I
Ayce Kyptyn: was struggling with it, and I. And I felt like I had to align with
Ayce Kyptyn: who society said I needed to be versus who I actually was. And
Joanne Lockwood: you said before you were in your adult career,
Joanne Lockwood: you were a theologist. Is that theology? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I was
Ayce Kyptyn: a professional theologian. Yeah. Theologian. Was that
Joanne Lockwood: associated with the faith or religion, or was that just
Joanne Lockwood: spiritually connected or. I was
Ayce Kyptyn: a youth pastor and a missionary within the Christian church. And
Ayce Kyptyn: so I grew up in, like, the evangelical Protestant denominations,
Ayce Kyptyn: and that presumably that the. The doctrine would have not
Joanne Lockwood: accepted deviation from the typical. From the norm, from the
Joanne Lockwood: straight. Yeah, exactly. I mean, they believe
Ayce Kyptyn: in. There's two genders, male and female.
Ayce Kyptyn: Right. And so obviously, if you look at science and the facts,
Ayce Kyptyn: there's a binary. Right. There's a. There's a spectrum of we could
Ayce Kyptyn: be masculine, we could be feminine, we could be somewhere in the middle. Right. And
Ayce Kyptyn: there could be fluidity in that. And that's not necessarily the way that I was
Ayce Kyptyn: brought up. And so that was a really hard thing, I think, back in
Ayce Kyptyn: 2022, when I started to actually look at the science versus what I had
Ayce Kyptyn: been taught to believe. You know, I believed that to be true. But
Ayce Kyptyn: the science is we're all born female, and then, you know, six
Ayce Kyptyn: to seven weeks later, our bodies start to change, our brains start to develop, and
Ayce Kyptyn: that's when, you know, we become male or female in
Ayce Kyptyn: society's terms. Right, yeah. And so all growing up
Joanne Lockwood: throughout your life, you adopted this spiritual identity, aligned, as you say,
Joanne Lockwood: with Protestant Christianity, living in a world
Joanne Lockwood: where whoever you were didn't meet
Joanne Lockwood: the rules that you were being told and you were conforming to those,
Joanne Lockwood: almost like conversion therapy in yourself, aren't you? You're converting, keeping
Joanne Lockwood: yourself oppressed. Absolutely. If you look
Joanne Lockwood: back now to those times, did you feel
Joanne Lockwood: incongruent? Did you feel that you were living that line looking
Joanne Lockwood: back? And how do you rationalise that time in your mind? Because
Joanne Lockwood: you must have had deep faith in. Yeah, absolutely. An
Joanne Lockwood: investment in that religion. Yeah. There was always a tension
Ayce Kyptyn: within me. Right. Of what I was told was true
Ayce Kyptyn: and what I felt was true inside of me. And I think what happened
Ayce Kyptyn: was when my world fell apart, I started to
Ayce Kyptyn: realise that the rules that I was living by, they're just all made up.
Ayce Kyptyn: Somebody said, this is how you should be, this is who you should be, this
Ayce Kyptyn: is how you should act, this is what you should do with your life. And
Ayce Kyptyn: it's like, who made that up? It doesn't align with what I know to be
Ayce Kyptyn: true for myself. And so in critical thinking, I
Ayce Kyptyn: was able to go, okay, I was told that my purpose was this. I was
Ayce Kyptyn: told that I was supposed to live my life like this, but it goes against
Ayce Kyptyn: everything that I feel inside. So what would happen if I would
Ayce Kyptyn: just allow whatever's arising to naturally arise and live from
Ayce Kyptyn: that space? And so I learned how to live a more fluid
Ayce Kyptyn: lifestyle of understanding this is what's
Ayce Kyptyn: naturally arising in me and this is what I
Ayce Kyptyn: would like to express. And so I just started testing that out. And at first
Ayce Kyptyn: it wasn't. It wasn't really very fun because my family was like, hold on.
Ayce Kyptyn: The person that we knew is now
Ayce Kyptyn: challenging everything that they believed. And so they thought I was a
Ayce Kyptyn: sinner. And so, I mean, we could go down that road. But that was a
Ayce Kyptyn: really interesting time in my life where I ended up losing everything
Ayce Kyptyn: because I had to step away from the
Ayce Kyptyn: indoctrination that I'd had my entire life to actually
Ayce Kyptyn: find out who I am and what my. My. What my purpose actually is
Ayce Kyptyn: here in this world. That's the.
Joanne Lockwood: I'm gonna say sad reality. There's a lot of joy in the reality as
Joanne Lockwood: well. So it's not all sad. But the hard truth is that
Joanne Lockwood: often trans non binary people have to make
Joanne Lockwood: a polarising choice around who they are,
Joanne Lockwood: and often that means leaving behind parts of their life.
Joanne Lockwood: That they valued immensely, but it was no longer compatible.
Joanne Lockwood: It's what you're saying there is. You've had to. In order to go forward with
Joanne Lockwood: your life, you've had to let go of a lot. It's incredibly
Ayce Kyptyn: painful. I love my family. I love the community that I used
Ayce Kyptyn: to have. Like, there's a deep relationship there. But
Ayce Kyptyn: I was unable to find compassion and empathy for who I really
Ayce Kyptyn: am. And at some point, I needed to walk away. And I
Ayce Kyptyn: think it's almost out of love for them that I left. Because
Ayce Kyptyn: in reality, I mean, I was very well known
Ayce Kyptyn: nationally as an expert
Ayce Kyptyn: professional Christian theologian. Right. And had I not
Ayce Kyptyn: left the community that I was in, it really would have imploded. My entire family
Ayce Kyptyn: and communities, just lifestyle, everything
Ayce Kyptyn: for my mom didn't change, and I didn't want to do that to her. So
Ayce Kyptyn: I literally packed up everything and left because I
Ayce Kyptyn: love my family and because I didn't want them to go through all the
Ayce Kyptyn: heartache of everyone else finding out about it and then us being the talk of
Ayce Kyptyn: town and their lifestyle changing. So, moving on. You've.
Joanne Lockwood: You made that decision. Well, in fact, you didn't make the decision. The decision
Joanne Lockwood: was necessary. It became a something you had to do. Yeah. I
Joanne Lockwood: often say to people that I didn't make a decision. The decision made me sort
Joanne Lockwood: of think it was a kind of a necessary, not a choice, but
Joanne Lockwood: evolution that had to occur. Yeah. The universe.
Joanne Lockwood: Yeah. You went through some dark times. You broke a lot of chains
Joanne Lockwood: and a lot of relationships and caused a lot of pain to yourself and a
Joanne Lockwood: lot of pain to others, I assume. So what joy have you found
Joanne Lockwood: since? Has this awakening allowed you to explore?
Ayce Kyptyn: Yeah, So I learned how to transmute the pain into
Ayce Kyptyn: pleasure. The first 38 years of my life were incredibly
Ayce Kyptyn: painful because I wasn't able to be who I authentically am.
Ayce Kyptyn: And as I started awakening that
Ayce Kyptyn: in myself and in my mind and in my body, things
Ayce Kyptyn: started to slowly shift from playing pain into pleasure.
Ayce Kyptyn: And so actually, Jaya's work in the erotic blueprints
Ayce Kyptyn: is a huge piece of being able to find pleasure in my body
Ayce Kyptyn: and in who I am and how I go about this world. And her methodology
Ayce Kyptyn: or her framework, although it's meant for
Ayce Kyptyn: a fulfilling sex life, it actually can be used in your entire
Ayce Kyptyn: lifestyle. And so I've taken her framework and I've. And I've
Ayce Kyptyn: transformed my life so that I'm living out of that space. I'm going to make
Joanne Lockwood: an assumption that you have been. You've converted your body from Oestrogen
Joanne Lockwood: based to testosterone base, just purely based on
Joanne Lockwood: your visual appearance and your voice. So you obviously have a
Joanne Lockwood: testosterone dominant endocrine system now. I do.
Joanne Lockwood: What were the key things you noticed, maybe in terms of your
Joanne Lockwood: sexology of yourself and your outlook on life
Joanne Lockwood: that changed with that flip, if you like, of the oestrogen?
Ayce Kyptyn: Yeah. I naturally have this masculine
Ayce Kyptyn: presence and it was so repressed my entire life
Ayce Kyptyn: because I was trying to be feminine. And so when I
Ayce Kyptyn: transitioned, there was just such an alignment with the
Ayce Kyptyn: way that I come to this world and how I interact with other people. And
Ayce Kyptyn: so testosterone has been amazing for my body. I feel
Ayce Kyptyn: so good. I used to wake up in the morning, you know, before I transitioned,
Ayce Kyptyn: I was sluggish. I didn't really want to get dressed. I didn't want to see
Ayce Kyptyn: myself in the beer. Right. And now
Ayce Kyptyn: I wake up and I'm like, all right, let's get the day going. And
Ayce Kyptyn: I look at myself in the mirror and I'm really excited about what I see
Ayce Kyptyn: because it actually reflects how I feel inside. Yeah, it's, it's been
Ayce Kyptyn: such a fun journey. Yeah, I, I, I can relate to that completely. For
Joanne Lockwood: me, one, 180, the other perspective, you know, it's
Joanne Lockwood: turning off the testosterone. Turning on the oestrogen for me
Joanne Lockwood: has been incredibly affirming. As you say, you look in the mirror and
Joanne Lockwood: you see yourself, you, the shape and everything else
Joanne Lockwood: you see in the mirror is you. And it is wonderfully affirming. And also the
Joanne Lockwood: way the brain responds to stimulus emotions, the world around
Joanne Lockwood: you, it just feels more comfortable now.
Joanne Lockwood: And it sounds like that same for you, where the testosterone is
Joanne Lockwood: amplifying your inbuilt personality.
Joanne Lockwood: As before, I felt like I was out of control. It was like this masculine
Joanne Lockwood: figure in my head was driving me down the path. I was going, hang on
Joanne Lockwood: a minute, going the wrong way. No. And
Joanne Lockwood: have you ever seen the Disney Pixar inside out with the characters in the head?
Ayce Kyptyn: Yes. I often described the fact I was being driven by the
Joanne Lockwood: little red angry person all the time. And then one day they
Joanne Lockwood: kidnapped the little red angry person, strapped it to a chair, and then Joy took
Joanne Lockwood: over the feminine started running my brain. And then it
Joanne Lockwood: all started working absolutely as it should have done. So maybe you've probably got the
Joanne Lockwood: opposite. The joy. Joy's still there, but Joy's got a deeper voice
Joanne Lockwood: now. That's so true. Yeah. My mood
Ayce Kyptyn: drastically shifted. You know, three months into starting t, it was
Ayce Kyptyn: like, wow, this is what I've always wanted. Like, I had this Long desire
Ayce Kyptyn: to feel this way in my body and now with these
Ayce Kyptyn: hormones in my body that have shifted, it feels like there's a, there's an
Ayce Kyptyn: alignment. So you're, you're now working with
Joanne Lockwood: individuals, couples, throuples and
Joanne Lockwood: every permutation of, of people who want to
Joanne Lockwood: develop their own understanding, their own bodies and the pleasure zones. I
Joanne Lockwood: guess. What surprises you about, about people
Joanne Lockwood: when they come to you? Is there a common theme or there is everybody
Joanne Lockwood: different? I mean, I think all of us at some point in time have a
Ayce Kyptyn: learned to abandon a piece of ourselves and that's a
Ayce Kyptyn: self protection mechanism. And so what I've noticed in my work with
Ayce Kyptyn: clients is they might not even realise that they've
Ayce Kyptyn: abandoned a piece of themselves and that that's what wants to be expressed.
Ayce Kyptyn: And so I really enjoy like the journey of getting
Ayce Kyptyn: curious with clients and trying to find how can we gather some more
Ayce Kyptyn: information about who you want to be, what your desires are, what do you
Ayce Kyptyn: really want? And then that's actually when the transformation
Ayce Kyptyn: starts with a lot of my clients, they come to me because they have a
Ayce Kyptyn: problem and they don't know how to fix it. And I don't necessarily give them
Ayce Kyptyn: the answer, but I give them the safe space to explore
Ayce Kyptyn: what might be arising and then how to get what
Ayce Kyptyn: you want out of that. So that's what I've noticed is like a
Ayce Kyptyn: commonality with almost all my clients is there's something
Ayce Kyptyn: that's repressed and they've learned how to find it
Ayce Kyptyn: in other ways, but it's not necessarily meeting that direct
Ayce Kyptyn: need. And if I can give them the tools and resources to actually
Ayce Kyptyn: go out and figure out what that is and then get what they want,
Ayce Kyptyn: that's when their lifestyle starts to change and they actually enjoy the life.
Joanne Lockwood: I noticed on your website when I was looking earlier that you've kind of
Joanne Lockwood: coined the phrase erotic blueprint. Yes.
Joanne Lockwood: Dive into a bit of that and how that maps out for people.
Ayce Kyptyn: Yeah. So the Erotic blueprints was actually created by Jaya. She's
Ayce Kyptyn: one of the top, I don't know, five or six sexologists in the world. She
Ayce Kyptyn: lives here in Boulder, Colorado and she created a framework that basically helps
Ayce Kyptyn: people understand how they're naturally wired. So what
Ayce Kyptyn: happens in our society is we're taught this is who you should be, this
Ayce Kyptyn: is how you should express, express yourself. This is what sex is.
Ayce Kyptyn: But that's only like a fifth of what's actually possible out
Ayce Kyptyn: there. And so in her framework she has five different types.
Ayce Kyptyn: She has the energetic, sensual,
Ayce Kyptyn: sexual, Kinky and Shapeshifter. A
Ayce Kyptyn: lot of us learn how to be in the sexual and do our life
Ayce Kyptyn: from the sexual space, but we don't understand that there's four other
Ayce Kyptyn: places that we could be living our life out of and actually be
Ayce Kyptyn: wired in and actually enjoy. So what
Ayce Kyptyn: I do is I take her framework and there's a quiz out there that the
Ayce Kyptyn: listeners can, can take, or I, my clients, I have them take as well.
Ayce Kyptyn: That kind of gives us an idea of what their blueprint type might be.
Ayce Kyptyn: And then I teach them about what does it actually look like to live your
Ayce Kyptyn: life out of what your primary type is, not what the world says. But,
Ayce Kyptyn: but what are you primarily. How are you primarily wired? And how can you
Ayce Kyptyn: get the most fulfilment and enjoyment? We're, we're kind of wired
Joanne Lockwood: by society to embrace, if you like,
Joanne Lockwood: the sex side, aren't we? But the kink side, if you're not in the right
Joanne Lockwood: environment with the safe, with safe people. And we find
Joanne Lockwood: we may fantasise about it, but it's always that taboo, isn't it?
Joanne Lockwood: I've. I met someone recently. Well, I'll say recently, a couple of years ago.
Joanne Lockwood: And she was a professional lawyer, a top tier lawyer by trade,
Joanne Lockwood: by profession, yet she also ran this alternate
Joanne Lockwood: Instagram where she was basically kinky. And she used to
Joanne Lockwood: wear kinky underwear, bondage gear, not to do anything with
Joanne Lockwood: it, but as a form of expression about her inner self.
Joanne Lockwood: So she was not selling that. She was just being that
Joanne Lockwood: as an empowered, strong woman, she
Joanne Lockwood: wants to take control of that side of her kink side. And I think that's
Joanne Lockwood: what you're saying. There is you. They can be separate parts of our identity. We
Joanne Lockwood: could be kinky without having to enact it, but feel it.
Ayce Kyptyn: Absolutely. Yeah. And there's a deep shame in kink, in doing
Ayce Kyptyn: something that's taboo. Right. We're taught that that's not okay. We
Ayce Kyptyn: can't express that. We can't do that. It's not right. Whatever.
Ayce Kyptyn: But if you start to embrace that, there's a depth of exploration
Ayce Kyptyn: that can happen. And actually you can expand
Ayce Kyptyn: who you are in this world to some extent. We see a
Joanne Lockwood: lot more out and open kink within the, maybe the
Joanne Lockwood: LGBTQIA communities, because many of us in these
Joanne Lockwood: communities have always had to break out of shame. Once you've broken
Joanne Lockwood: out of shame, nothing becomes shameful anymore. You actually, who cares? You know,
Joanne Lockwood: you've lost that give a fuck almost. You gotta. Which is probably why you see
Joanne Lockwood: more free expression in the queer community, but for other
Joanne Lockwood: people who are perfectly heterosexual
Joanne Lockwood: cisgender. They've never had to cross that shame barrier, have they?
Ayce Kyptyn: Yeah, they haven't challenged it, they haven't dove into it. Right.
Joanne Lockwood: I don't know if you find this, but just the fact we're having this conversation
Joanne Lockwood: today, I've got so used to over the last 10 years,
Joanne Lockwood: talking about every inner deep, dark secret I've ever had.
Joanne Lockwood: I've lost that red line where I won't cross these days. And it's like people
Joanne Lockwood: could talk about anything. And I go, I start off the conversation, I won't say
Joanne Lockwood: that, I won't say that, I won't say that. And suddenly, before long, we're just
Joanne Lockwood: talking about it. And it is a very. And I'm almost watching the other person
Joanne Lockwood: going, too much information. And they're almost backtracking.
Joanne Lockwood: Joanne's a bit too open to share anything because I don't have the
Joanne Lockwood: same inhibitions I had 10 years ago. It's just
Joanne Lockwood: because you become desensitised to
Joanne Lockwood: those societal barriers in your life. And
Joanne Lockwood: I'm assuming that that's what you're helping people do, is break down that
Joanne Lockwood: societal barrier and say, it's okay, there's no shame in this
Joanne Lockwood: room. We can go here. Yeah. It's
Ayce Kyptyn: about creating a space of safety. Right. I think a lot of
Ayce Kyptyn: us, we walk in this world with our fists up, we're like ready for a
Ayce Kyptyn: fight or ready to defend. But if we can actually create
Ayce Kyptyn: spaces where we're allowed to have conversation,
Ayce Kyptyn: we're allowed to bring up some of the deeper, darker places in our lives and
Ayce Kyptyn: we actually have the ability to be safe with someone.
Ayce Kyptyn: That's what our nervous system is really desiring. We're
Ayce Kyptyn: not meant to be inconsistent. Turmoil and
Ayce Kyptyn: protection mode and knowing everything that's going on in this world,
Ayce Kyptyn: that's just not how our bodies are designed. No, I think
Joanne Lockwood: you're right, it is. Prehistorically, we're built into fight, flight,
Joanne Lockwood: freeze mechanisms, we're built into all these protection mechanisms.
Joanne Lockwood: But the modern world doesn't have the same threats or has
Joanne Lockwood: different threats. They're maybe not physical threats, they're not going to be
Joanne Lockwood: eaten by something threats or poisoned or starved. We
Joanne Lockwood: have comfort blanket around us, but we've
Joanne Lockwood: also realised that society gives us privilege by conforming to it
Joanne Lockwood: and the rules of engagement. And as you and I both know,
Joanne Lockwood: when you step outside of those constructs, the rules close in
Joanne Lockwood: around you to try and place you back into your box again. So
Joanne Lockwood: again, coming out with a Kink coming out, talking about your
Joanne Lockwood: sexuality or gender identity, all these things, but
Joanne Lockwood: crossing that line still. And I think that's, that's what we got to try and
Joanne Lockwood: help people get over. Yeah, well, and I think
Ayce Kyptyn: it's about finding your sense of power, agency and sovereignty.
Ayce Kyptyn: Right. If we never find that as humanity, our governments and our world can
Ayce Kyptyn: do whatever they want with us and make us their little toys and move us
Ayce Kyptyn: around like chess pieces. Right. But if we actually can ground
Ayce Kyptyn: in who we are, they've lost their power. Before
Joanne Lockwood: we, before we press record. I was telling a story about
Joanne Lockwood: a person I met in my past post transition
Joanne Lockwood: and she wanted some advice
Joanne Lockwood: for want of a better way of describing it or guidance on how
Joanne Lockwood: she could better engage with her partner.
Joanne Lockwood: And she was wanting to be
Joanne Lockwood: more gregarious, more outgoing in the bedroom and
Joanne Lockwood: she didn't know what would be a turn on
Joanne Lockwood: because what's going on in her mind, her fantasy, her story
Joanne Lockwood: in her head is different to a
Joanne Lockwood: male fantasy in his head. And there's, how do we get people
Joanne Lockwood: to actually communicate what I want, what
Joanne Lockwood: you want and how we can find that connection. That's got to be a real
Joanne Lockwood: tough thing to get people to be honest with each other. I think, man, this
Ayce Kyptyn: is so multi layered. This is incredibly complex
Ayce Kyptyn: in my opinion. But if we can allow
Ayce Kyptyn: all of someone else to exist without judgement or shame
Ayce Kyptyn: and give them the space to express what that is,
Ayce Kyptyn: it's a step in the right direction. I think like a lot of times what
Ayce Kyptyn: happens with couples is I don't share something with someone
Ayce Kyptyn: else because it affects their life, but if
Ayce Kyptyn: I can actually own my own experience and they can own
Ayce Kyptyn: their own experience and we can find our own arrows and
Ayce Kyptyn: allow that to naturally come out of us and
Ayce Kyptyn: expect and understand that that person
Ayce Kyptyn: has ownership over their own life and their own experience
Ayce Kyptyn: and not necessarily combine, combine that and say
Ayce Kyptyn: that that's my, my, my thing to bear. That's a
Ayce Kyptyn: starting point in actually being able to share our wants,
Ayce Kyptyn: needs and desires. And I think the best way to
Ayce Kyptyn: explain this is I have a friend that
Ayce Kyptyn: I can share anything and everything that's going on, but it's because
Ayce Kyptyn: I own that. Right. It has nothing to do with their life, in
Ayce Kyptyn: their, what they, what they have going on. And so there's no
Ayce Kyptyn: judgement of like I did this because of you,
Ayce Kyptyn: it's I did this for me or I did this to help you.
Ayce Kyptyn: This is not landing right. We'll have to cut some of this, I think. No,
Joanne Lockwood: no, no, I can see where you're going with this. I think what you end
Joanne Lockwood: up doing is you build this story in your head, don't you? Sometimes. And that.
Joanne Lockwood: That's. That's what's going on. You're building the story. You're creating this. This rule book
Joanne Lockwood: of who you are, how societal thinks you should be. And you're also making stuff
Joanne Lockwood: up about the other person and creating a rule for them in your head.
Ayce Kyptyn: Exactly. Trying to peel that back, isn't it? Is what you're trying to say. Yeah,
Ayce Kyptyn: exactly. So thank you for landing where I was going from that.
Joanne Lockwood: And sorry for latching onto the word kink, because why not? You know, it's
Joanne Lockwood: an area that I'm keen to find out more about. That one
Joanne Lockwood: person's kink is another person's vanilla. You know, it's.
Joanne Lockwood: For many people, sex is two people in bed
Joanne Lockwood: with the lights off, doing what they need to do, and then
Joanne Lockwood: rolling over, going to sleep, and that's normal life for them.
Joanne Lockwood: Other people grabbing each other on the kitchen table
Joanne Lockwood: or the stairs or in the back of the car or on a park bench
Joanne Lockwood: or going out for a walk in the woods. That's kind of their normal. And
Joanne Lockwood: kink doesn't have to be painful or bondage or dressing up or.
Joanne Lockwood: It just has to be different to traditional,
Joanne Lockwood: whatever that may mean to you. You have to stretch that boundary slightly for it
Joanne Lockwood: to be. That's intriguing. I wonder if we're like that and you
Joanne Lockwood: go on this journey together, don't you, to try and explore
Joanne Lockwood: what works and what doesn't work. It's overcoming that fear of
Joanne Lockwood: embarrassment. Is the heartbeat telling you what I fancy doing? Yeah,
Ayce Kyptyn: it's definitely a stretch for some people. So
Ayce Kyptyn: here's the interesting piece that I've learned with kink. If you can allow yourself to
Ayce Kyptyn: have some curiosity and naturally follow your
Ayce Kyptyn: desires, you never know what's going to happen. Well, you're almost always
Ayce Kyptyn: going to have a good time and you're going to gather more information about how
Ayce Kyptyn: to make the next experience that you have even more.
Joanne Lockwood: So what we're trying to do here is we're trying to get the brain chemicals
Joanne Lockwood: firing, aren't we? We're trying to give those pleasures pleasure zones.
Joanne Lockwood: From what I understand, we become kind of
Joanne Lockwood: acclimatised to the chemicals we have and we have to keep finding
Joanne Lockwood: that next hit, which is a bigger high or a bigger something.
Joanne Lockwood: We have to keep finding that stimulation, which is, I guess, why after 10 years
Joanne Lockwood: of marriage, 20 years of marriage, you need
Joanne Lockwood: something really drastic to float Your boat again.
Ayce Kyptyn: Interesting. Well, so that. That's. Maybe. Maybe I've just outed my
Joanne Lockwood: own. Maybe I've just outed my own limiting belief there. But, you know,
Joanne Lockwood: is that what we need to do to keep pushing those boundaries, to keep getting
Joanne Lockwood: that next dopamine? I mean, that's what a lot of people do.
Ayce Kyptyn: I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. Right. Because I think what happens
Ayce Kyptyn: is we're always trying to find that edge or we keep pushing that
Ayce Kyptyn: edge instead of actually just being present in the
Ayce Kyptyn: moment with what our desires are right here, right now.
Ayce Kyptyn: And so a lot of times what people are doing is they're bypassing what
Ayce Kyptyn: they actually feel, the actual sensations that are coming up,
Ayce Kyptyn: because they just need to get that next hit, the next exciting experience, that
Ayce Kyptyn: next adventure, whatever that might be, is the adrenaline rush that people
Ayce Kyptyn: are looking for. And that's actually an escape mechanism.
Joanne Lockwood: There's another word I notice in your bio and show
Joanne Lockwood: notes and on your website. Is it bonsage?
Joanne Lockwood: What's bondessage? Yeah, bondessage. So that's
Ayce Kyptyn: created by Jaylene and it's basically a way in which to
Ayce Kyptyn: do a kinky massage. And what that does
Ayce Kyptyn: is it explores power dynamics, it explores
Ayce Kyptyn: sensations in your body. It also explores, you know,
Ayce Kyptyn: anticipation, tease, which for an energetic
Ayce Kyptyn: can be really, really great at dropping you into your body, because an
Ayce Kyptyn: energetic person is someone that enjoys anticipation,
Ayce Kyptyn: ease, chemistry. So through
Ayce Kyptyn: bondessage, actually, we work through all five blueprints and we give people
Ayce Kyptyn: an experience on a massage table where they're tied down
Ayce Kyptyn: and they are getting sensations that are
Ayce Kyptyn: allowing them to be in their body and experience more pleasure. So these are
Joanne Lockwood: physical sensations. We're not talking about tantric here. We're talking about. Yeah,
Joanne Lockwood: physical, not. Not mental sensations. Yes, exactly. So it's
Ayce Kyptyn: a lot of touch, obviously, with massage with your hands. We use tools as well.
Ayce Kyptyn: You know, we have things like vloggers and, you know, different
Ayce Kyptyn: types of materials that we bring over bodies. We do anal massage.
Ayce Kyptyn: I mean, there's a lot of different ways that we could actually do a bond
Ayce Kyptyn: massage session depending on somebody's desires. Right. But one of
Ayce Kyptyn: the fun things to do in bondessage is if somebody has kinky
Ayce Kyptyn: desires and they've never, you know, done anal play. We have
Ayce Kyptyn: something called an anal hook that we use in the session. So it allows
Ayce Kyptyn: people to explore things that maybe they haven't explored before
Ayce Kyptyn: in a really safe environment where there's trained providers. And obviously we
Ayce Kyptyn: don't do anything that the client doesn't want. But we Allow them to have experiences
Ayce Kyptyn: that they may not have had with a lover that they've always wanted, but they
Ayce Kyptyn: never really asked for it. That's the time and place to get it. Guessing that
Joanne Lockwood: the first time is the hardest coming to you.
Joanne Lockwood: The second, third, fourth, and hundredth time they come to you,
Joanne Lockwood: it's an adventure they're looking forward to. So it's trying to break that barrier down.
Joanne Lockwood: The first one or two times, I guess. Yeah. Usually
Ayce Kyptyn: the first time someone comes to me, it's nervous system development, getting
Ayce Kyptyn: used to each other, getting comfortable with each other in the same space.
Ayce Kyptyn: And then the second session is usually where we really get into some fun things
Ayce Kyptyn: where they express a desire that they've always had, but they've never been. Been able
Ayce Kyptyn: to meet it. And then what. What kind of container can we create so that
Ayce Kyptyn: they can explore those inner longings that they've always had and get
Ayce Kyptyn: some other needs met? So, yes, usually people come to me for at least
Ayce Kyptyn: three sessions, but, I mean, I have people that come to me for hundreds. It
Joanne Lockwood: sounds very interesting. Shame we're not in Colorado. Yeah. Love to come and have
Joanne Lockwood: a session and find out more. There's people, there's
Ayce Kyptyn: providers all over the United States and the world. So you might be able to
Ayce Kyptyn: find a provider near you. Yeah, yeah, I'm good to go at the moment. Let
Joanne Lockwood: me. Let me just take a brain check on that one. Yeah, I'm not. I'm
Joanne Lockwood: not feeling the need right now, but. No, I can. I can.
Joanne Lockwood: I can. Certainly. I'm open to. I'm open to the concept completely, and given the
Joanne Lockwood: right time, the right context and the right situation. Yeah, I would. I would certainly
Joanne Lockwood: go. Let's give it a go. Let's find out more. Is it. Yeah, there's a
Ayce Kyptyn: lot of people. Oh, sorry. I was gonna say, is it mainly singles or is
Joanne Lockwood: it couples or. It's everything. Yeah, we get singles,
Ayce Kyptyn: we get couples, we get, you know, multiple people.
Ayce Kyptyn: It just depends on, you know, what your arrangements are. If you're poly, you know,
Ayce Kyptyn: we're open to the circuit. Anyway. What's the. You meant. You mentioned trust. You
Joanne Lockwood: use that word or implied that word many times. I'm guessing
Joanne Lockwood: that stepping across your doorstep is the first trust, and
Joanne Lockwood: then sharing personal information is another level of trust. And it must get
Joanne Lockwood: easier once you start sharing. We talked this
Joanne Lockwood: earlier. Once you get onto this conveyor about sharing, it becomes more
Joanne Lockwood: comfortable. And that's probably. The first session is really breaking that down
Joanne Lockwood: and establishing that bond. Yeah, a lot of
Ayce Kyptyn: times I'll do a virtual session first just so that we can pick up each
Ayce Kyptyn: other's voice, vibes. I mean, I want to make sure that I'm comfortable with
Ayce Kyptyn: you, you're comfortable with me, we can share some, you know, what the container is
Ayce Kyptyn: going to look like. And then usually when they come into person in person, obviously
Ayce Kyptyn: that's just establishing in person trust. Yeah,
Ayce Kyptyn: it's a huge part of my job. Is there a
Joanne Lockwood: reluctance from male identifying
Joanne Lockwood: people about relinquishing their power or is that often their
Joanne Lockwood: fantasy is to be able to go from a dominant to a dominated
Joanne Lockwood: stance? Is that, is that me stereotyping here or is that a
Joanne Lockwood: common. Common attribute, yeah. So I think a lot of people grow up
Ayce Kyptyn: thinking that men have to be dominant, men have to take charge and
Ayce Kyptyn: then have to be the top or, you know, whatever. But not everybody's wired
Ayce Kyptyn: that way. Or they might be wired that way, but they might want an outlet
Ayce Kyptyn: for some of the other desires that they have. And so in my space, I
Ayce Kyptyn: mean, I really just create an atmosphere where if they would like to be
Ayce Kyptyn: domed, if they would like to be topped. Right. And so
Ayce Kyptyn: a lot of times the people that come see me are, you know, people
Ayce Kyptyn: that are in the boardrooms, presidents of organisations, people that are
Ayce Kyptyn: always having to be in charge and take the lead, they're just like, I just
Ayce Kyptyn: want to receive and I don't want to have to give you anything,
Ayce Kyptyn: no expectations of me doing anything for you. Right. And so it just
Ayce Kyptyn: allows them to land in their bodies and experience whatever it is that they
Ayce Kyptyn: might be wanting to experience in that. I certainly look at my own
Joanne Lockwood: transition and the way my body's changed and other things.
Joanne Lockwood: There's been a journey of exploration for me to try and
Joanne Lockwood: reorientate my identity, not only my
Joanne Lockwood: gender, but also my romantic attraction, my
Joanne Lockwood: physical attraction within the bounds of a, of a very strong and
Joanne Lockwood: happy marriage. And trying to understand how that's changed and also
Joanne Lockwood: how Marie, my wife, has also had to
Joanne Lockwood: adapt and explore herself as well. And I think one
Joanne Lockwood: of the reasons we've been able to
Joanne Lockwood: enjoy and carry on our marriage as soulmates and
Joanne Lockwood: life partners and wives is that we're both being
Joanne Lockwood: open to try to figure that out. And that's, as you'll say
Joanne Lockwood: from your experience, that's not an easy ask for anybody to
Joanne Lockwood: reorientate their sexual desires and
Joanne Lockwood: labels. So it is, that's.
Ayce Kyptyn: So go ahead. I was gonna say it takes a, a
Joanne Lockwood: very open minded person. What you're trying to encourage people to do
Joanne Lockwood: this to actually step out of where they were into
Joanne Lockwood: where they could be. Yeah. And not only open
Ayce Kyptyn: minded, but somebody who's willing and desiring to stay
Ayce Kyptyn: in the fire with you. I think a lot of times we think that
Ayce Kyptyn: we've lost love for someone and we've lost that spark.
Ayce Kyptyn: And I mean, maybe that's true,
Ayce Kyptyn: but maybe they've just lost the desire to actually stay in the
Ayce Kyptyn: fire and go through it. And, and there's a lot of reasons why that might
Ayce Kyptyn: be on their own personal level. But if someone's actually willing
Ayce Kyptyn: to go there, they can experience a relationship
Ayce Kyptyn: like what you have with your partner. Right. Like the depth
Ayce Kyptyn: of intimacy that you wouldn't have had that probably had you
Ayce Kyptyn: not gone through what you've gone through in the last 10. We often
Joanne Lockwood: say to each other that where our relationship is stronger today that
Joanne Lockwood: potentially it was or would have been otherwise,
Joanne Lockwood: because we've, as you could probably imagine, we've done a lot of talking
Joanne Lockwood: over the last 10 years, done a lot of shouting and screaming and hugging and
Joanne Lockwood: crying and being with each other far more than
Joanne Lockwood: probably we would have ever communicated had things remained
Joanne Lockwood: as they were in the past. So I think it's an immense privilege that
Joanne Lockwood: we've evolved our, our relationship, not
Joanne Lockwood: just physical relationship, but also our romantic relationship and
Joanne Lockwood: day to day relationship in ways we could never have explored
Joanne Lockwood: well, without an independent counsellor maybe. But we've done that
Joanne Lockwood: largely by eroding those barriers
Joanne Lockwood: because suddenly there's no red lines anymore.
Joanne Lockwood: We've crossed all the red lines. There are. We're told the
Joanne Lockwood: truth ultimately behind who we are now. And so there's
Joanne Lockwood: very little secrets in our life and we know each other better now than
Joanne Lockwood: we've ever done. And it takes work, it takes determination, it's choice,
Ayce Kyptyn: it's intention and it's learning how
Ayce Kyptyn: to love someone else like the way that we want to be loved. And I
Joanne Lockwood: think as humans, as we go through our lives, our needs evolve,
Joanne Lockwood: don't they? And I'm sure you find this where when
Joanne Lockwood: I'm in my teens, I'm exploring, trying to figure stuff
Joanne Lockwood: out, trying to practise. I don't want to be this, maybe not the
Joanne Lockwood: one for me forever, but it's a bit of fun. Then you get to that
Joanne Lockwood: sort of biological clock type time in your 20s
Joanne Lockwood: and whatever it may be in your 30s, thinking, well, actually the purpose of this
Joanne Lockwood: is to have a family. And then you go through that tired
Joanne Lockwood: phase where you've got your family, your hormones change again and you're saying, right, okay,
Joanne Lockwood: no more. You gotta work protecting your offspring now.
Joanne Lockwood: And then your offspring leave and you're going, well, okay, now
Joanne Lockwood: what? I don't want any more kids. I'm
Joanne Lockwood: tired, I'm exhausted. Menopause, whatever it may be. Stress at work.
Joanne Lockwood: So we've got to rediscover ourselves in our 40s to find new purpose in
Joanne Lockwood: our relationship, haven't we? And try and do that within our
Joanne Lockwood: relationships rather than looking outside
Joanne Lockwood: to find spice elsewhere. That's what often happens. We reject
Joanne Lockwood: looking in and start looking out again. Yeah, I mean, we're all going through different
Ayce Kyptyn: phases in our life and we're all making different choices according to what we want.
Ayce Kyptyn: So, I mean, a lot of us live our life the way that you just
Ayce Kyptyn: mentioned. We go through it almost the way that society tells us to. Right.
Ayce Kyptyn: You grow up, you get married, you have kids,
Ayce Kyptyn: retire. That's like the typical society. And the interesting
Ayce Kyptyn: piece that I realised is, like, how many people are actually
Ayce Kyptyn: happy with that life? A lot of people who come to me and, like, I
Ayce Kyptyn: wish I wouldn't have gotten married when I was 21
Ayce Kyptyn: or had kids when I was 25 or, you know, they have all these
Ayce Kyptyn: regrets. And it's really interesting to me, like,
Ayce Kyptyn: what would happen in our society if we started
Ayce Kyptyn: asking questions and critically thinking about what do you really
Ayce Kyptyn: want in your life at a younger age? I think we'd have a lot less
Ayce Kyptyn: miserable people, a lot less divorce rates, a lot less
Ayce Kyptyn: hate and, you know, people getting hurt.
Ayce Kyptyn: If we could just be authentic and true to how we're naturally
Ayce Kyptyn: wired and what we really do truly want in this life.
Ayce Kyptyn: If I were. If I would have been able to transition at the age of
Ayce Kyptyn: 18, there's 20 years of pain and heartache that I might
Ayce Kyptyn: not have had to go through. Now. Was it good for me to go through
Ayce Kyptyn: that? Yes, I grew, I evolved, and I changed,
Ayce Kyptyn: but I. There's always this question of, what if society was
Ayce Kyptyn: different and we just allowed people to own their experiences
Ayce Kyptyn: and whatever is right and true for them, I think there'd be a lot less
Ayce Kyptyn: pain in this world. Yeah, I agree, I agree. But the trouble is we're so
Joanne Lockwood: ingrained in this process of pain
Joanne Lockwood: and dependence and rules, constructs
Joanne Lockwood: that it's almost impossible to break out of it. Without using a matrix
Joanne Lockwood: analogy here, we do have to take the pill, find the truth
Joanne Lockwood: and pull the plug out, and otherwise we'll never escape.
Joanne Lockwood: And society's just not geared up for it. Society wants us in
Joanne Lockwood: debt. It wants to be controlled by the state. We have to have rules.
Joanne Lockwood: Drive on this side of the road, don't drive too fast, eat this, don't eat
Joanne Lockwood: that, spend this, behave like this. Because
Joanne Lockwood: as a society, that's what keeps us coherent.
Joanne Lockwood: And when we try and bend those rules, we're seen as
Joanne Lockwood: outliers. We talked about this right at the beginning, that it, it's.
Joanne Lockwood: It's almost impossible to. To swim with the stream
Joanne Lockwood: when you are the wrong fish. Yeah. I mean, what this does is it
Ayce Kyptyn: encapsulates our human experience. Right.
Ayce Kyptyn: I think as a human we're meant to go through all these different things
Ayce Kyptyn: and evolve and shape shift and change with. With
Ayce Kyptyn: what's going on and learn and grow and develop. Right. I think that's just a
Ayce Kyptyn: part of who we are as humans and life in this
Ayce Kyptyn: world today. So I give you a ring. I say, ace, I need your
Joanne Lockwood: help. What's the first question you ask me then?
Joanne Lockwood: You know, I'm not feeling it anymore. I love my partner.
Joanne Lockwood: We want to be good together. I want back what we had
Joanne Lockwood: 30 years ago. And it's difficult sometimes. What I do
Ayce Kyptyn: is I start with, what do you want? What is the end
Ayce Kyptyn: goal? Do you have an idea of what that is? A lot of times
Ayce Kyptyn: we don't even know what that might be. And so what I
Ayce Kyptyn: do is I help my clients get curious with that. So let's find out what
Ayce Kyptyn: you're in desires of and then I'll give you a pathway. So it's allowing
Joanne Lockwood: people to draw about the curtains, see the road ahead of them and
Joanne Lockwood: take that first step. And then they realise the first step isn't as
Joanne Lockwood: scary as you thought it was going to be. It will change your life absolutely,
Ayce Kyptyn: but it's exactly what you need to do. So it's changed
Joanne Lockwood: your life. As you said, you were at this crossroads. Staying on the same
Joanne Lockwood: road was not an option. For various reasons. You got jolted
Joanne Lockwood: by a circumstance which caused you to question yourself. How can you
Joanne Lockwood: recognise that point in your life without having to have trauma to
Joanne Lockwood: jolt you into it? Because I'm not saying I had trauma
Joanne Lockwood: to jolt me, but there were things that happened around that time that
Joanne Lockwood: made creating change much easier.
Joanne Lockwood: Because some of it was going anyway. So I didn't have to hang onto
Joanne Lockwood: everything, I just hang onto the bits. So it'd be far easier for people to
Joanne Lockwood: realise they can make change without having to lose things. Yeah, some people are
Ayce Kyptyn: probably not nearly as stubborn as that.
Ayce Kyptyn: Learning from other people's experiences and just realising it. I mean,
Ayce Kyptyn: I realised it so much sooner. I could see that something was going to happen.
Ayce Kyptyn: And ultimately the destruction of my life was a gift
Ayce Kyptyn: from the universe. To allow
Ayce Kyptyn: pieces of me that needed to die. It was almost like a death of an
Ayce Kyptyn: ego. Right. Going into the dark side of the soul.
Ayce Kyptyn: And not everybody needs to go there. But I also, I think
Ayce Kyptyn: at some point in our lives, we all probably do go there. The metaphor and
Joanne Lockwood: the analogy I use is it's almost like being on the space shuttle. When
Joanne Lockwood: you're on the stand, you're pointing up in the air, you have to push the
Joanne Lockwood: button and blast off with enough velocity that you
Joanne Lockwood: escape Earth's gravitational pull. Because if you do it half
Joanne Lockwood: hearted, you don't push the button deep enough, you don't grab it enough with it,
Joanne Lockwood: you just get halfway up and then you drop back down to Earth. So
Joanne Lockwood: you've got to try and find this escape velocity where you actually break free of
Joanne Lockwood: the chains that are holding you back. And then when you're up there in space,
Joanne Lockwood: you're looking around going, wow, this is kind of scary. How do I get back
Joanne Lockwood: down again? And what you gotta try and figure out is how to get up
Joanne Lockwood: there without losing all those heat protective tiles.
Joanne Lockwood: Because if you've lost all those heat tiles coming up in your journey, you
Joanne Lockwood: break all those things and coming back down is gonna burn up on reentry.
Joanne Lockwood: If you go too shallow, you'll bounce off in space, you go too steep,
Joanne Lockwood: you'll burn up. It's trying to find that exact path where you can
Joanne Lockwood: land back on the tarmac and put the parachutes out the back and go,
Joanne Lockwood: yay, I'm here, I'm still in one piece. That's a really tough
Joanne Lockwood: navigation to get all those little courses and velocities
Joanne Lockwood: and impact correct. It's so hard.
Ayce Kyptyn: And what I learned through my journey is it's almost impossible to do it by
Ayce Kyptyn: yourself. Had I not had a team of people that could resource me and
Ayce Kyptyn: come inside of me and like give me the tools that I
Ayce Kyptyn: needed to actually launch off and do this in a way that wasn't going to
Ayce Kyptyn: destroy me. Yeah, it's, it's finding your team of people, finding
Ayce Kyptyn: your support system, your community. We all long to belong.
Ayce Kyptyn: We all want to be worthy. Right? And so through the
Ayce Kyptyn: process, for me it was learning that of how
Ayce Kyptyn: to not only, you know, have myself and
Ayce Kyptyn: be independent and do all the things, but how do I allow
Ayce Kyptyn: other people to come around me, support me and be community, help me.
Joanne Lockwood: Yeah, I'm fascinated. Your name? Ace Kipton. And
Joanne Lockwood: one of the privileges we have. Being trans, I guess, is we get to. We
Joanne Lockwood: get to pick our own name. And how did you pick your name? You made
Joanne Lockwood: it up. So how did you make it up? Yeah. Yeah. So I
Ayce Kyptyn: always wanted to have kids. Well, that's. That's not true. I thought
Ayce Kyptyn: if I had a kid, I would name my kid Kipton.
Ayce Kyptyn: I love the name Kipton. There's something about it that. That
Ayce Kyptyn: just was drawn to me. And as I was going through this transition process, I
Ayce Kyptyn: hired a therapist and we were doing some inner child work
Ayce Kyptyn: and I was working with my inner kid, and I named my inner
Ayce Kyptyn: kid Kipton. And it became really important
Ayce Kyptyn: to me. And so that's how I came up with my last name was instead
Ayce Kyptyn: of having a kid and naming my kid, it was my inner child. That's
Joanne Lockwood: beautiful. Beautiful. It's also unique. I guess there
Joanne Lockwood: aren't many other Ace Kiptons in the world, so it
Joanne Lockwood: makes you easily locatable on search engines and
Joanne Lockwood: other places, I guess. Exactly. Yeah. I don't think there's anybody that
Ayce Kyptyn: spells their first name like I do, and then I don't know about anybody that
Ayce Kyptyn: has a last name that I have as well. So. Very unique.
Joanne Lockwood: Ayce. Ayce Kyptyn.
Joanne Lockwood: Kyptyn. Yeah. Very unique. Very
Joanne Lockwood: striking. Ayce, it's been absolutely fantastic.
Joanne Lockwood: How can people get hold of you if they want to find out more and
Joanne Lockwood: maybe even do a virtual session with you? That'd be
Ayce Kyptyn: fantastic. I'm on most of the social media platforms.
Ayce Kyptyn: I'm on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. Find me at Ayce Kyptyn.
Ayce Kyptyn: Or you can take a look at my website, ace kipton.com and I've got. A
Joanne Lockwood: copy of it here and it looks fantastic. And you can talk about volition. Was
Joanne Lockwood: it volition, Voltitionary life? How do you pronounce
Joanne Lockwood: that? Volitionary life. We all have a volition.
Joanne Lockwood: Volition, Volitionary life. That's it. Go.
Joanne Lockwood: I couldn't find the. Couldn't find the pronunciation of that.
Joanne Lockwood: Absolutely fantastic. Ace. Thank you. Thank you for your time. I
Ayce Kyptyn: deeply appreciate it. That was great. I loved that.