WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:00.560 Foreign. 2 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:11.320 Welcome to Inclusion Bites, your sanctuary 3 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:15.200 for bold conversations that spark change. I'm Joanne Lockwood, 4 00:00:15.200 --> 00:00:18.720 your guide on this journey of exploration into the heart of 5 00:00:18.720 --> 00:00:22.640 inclusion, belonging and societal transformation. 6 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:27.040 Ever wondered what it truly takes to create a world without Remember, everyone 7 00:00:27.040 --> 00:00:30.760 not only belongs, but thrives. You're not alone. 8 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:35.200 Join me as we uncover the unseen, challenge 9 00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:38.760 the status quo and share stories that resonate 10 00:00:38.760 --> 00:00:42.480 deep within. Ready to dive in? Whether you're 11 00:00:42.480 --> 00:00:46.400 sipping your morning coffee or winding down after a long day, let's 12 00:00:46.400 --> 00:00:50.360 connect, reflect and inspire action together. 13 00:00:51.080 --> 00:00:54.870 Don't forget, you can be part of the conversation too. Reach out 14 00:00:54.870 --> 00:00:58.670 to jo.lockwood@seechangehappen.co.uk 15 00:00:59.070 --> 00:01:02.590 to share your insights or to join me on the show. 16 00:01:03.470 --> 00:01:07.230 So adjust your earbuds and settle in. It's time to 17 00:01:07.230 --> 00:01:10.830 ignite the spark of inclusion with Inclusion Bites. 18 00:01:14.430 --> 00:01:17.630 And today is episode 182 19 00:01:18.440 --> 00:01:22.400 with the title From Chaos to Calm. And I 20 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:25.560 have the absolute honour and privilege to welcome Sally Bisbee. 21 00:01:26.200 --> 00:01:30.120 Sally is a mum life simplification coach who helps 22 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:33.960 overwhelmed mothers create calm through simple routines 23 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:37.800 and guilt free self care. When I asked Sally to 24 00:01:37.800 --> 00:01:41.080 describe her superpower, she said that it is turning everyday 25 00:01:41.080 --> 00:01:44.710 overwhelm into empowering ease for busy 26 00:01:44.710 --> 00:01:48.550 mums. Hello Sally, welcome to the show. Hello. 27 00:01:48.630 --> 00:01:52.230 Thanks for having me. Absolute pleasure. And 28 00:01:53.510 --> 00:01:56.790 from the accent, I can tell you not in the uk, so whereabouts in the 29 00:01:56.790 --> 00:02:00.510 world are you? I am not. I am in the United States. I live in 30 00:02:00.510 --> 00:02:03.990 Minnesota, which is. Which is in the central 31 00:02:04.150 --> 00:02:07.030 northern spot of the United States. 32 00:02:08.230 --> 00:02:12.220 So the Canadian wall is just above. Is that. Yes, yes, 33 00:02:12.220 --> 00:02:16.180 we are. We. We live in south of Canada. Yeah. Wow. 34 00:02:16.180 --> 00:02:20.140 I forget how big the states is. You know, six hours for me is a 35 00:02:20.140 --> 00:02:23.980 long way up the country. So. Yeah, you forget. Yeah, 36 00:02:24.140 --> 00:02:27.900 the states are very big. To get from, from Canada down to 37 00:02:27.900 --> 00:02:31.860 Mexico is probably, I would say 30 or 35 38 00:02:31.860 --> 00:02:35.620 hours if you were to drive straight from top of Minnesota, the bottom of 39 00:02:35.620 --> 00:02:38.790 Texas. Yeah, I tried driving from 40 00:02:39.830 --> 00:02:43.830 LA once down to San Diego and then from San Diego I ended up in 41 00:02:43.830 --> 00:02:47.550 Mexico. That took a long drive and I also tried to drive from LA to 42 00:02:47.550 --> 00:02:50.710 San Francisco and I gave up 3/4 of the way there. It was just too 43 00:02:50.710 --> 00:02:53.910 far. Just like. Sure, everything's much closer for you. There 44 00:02:54.470 --> 00:02:57.350 it is over in the uk it's much more contained. 45 00:02:59.030 --> 00:03:01.550 So did you have a good Easter? We just come back for an Easter break, 46 00:03:01.550 --> 00:03:05.430 haven't we? Yes, yes, we had a wonderful Easter. We hosted and 47 00:03:05.960 --> 00:03:09.480 two, two of my three kids are young still six and nine, so 48 00:03:09.720 --> 00:03:13.640 they're in you Know, just the, like, Easter is so fun still. And 49 00:03:13.800 --> 00:03:17.320 yeah, it was a really great weekend. So 50 00:03:17.560 --> 00:03:21.480 you've got, you just said there you've got two young, youngish children. They're 51 00:03:21.480 --> 00:03:24.200 not babies, but they're youngish. Yeah. 52 00:03:25.400 --> 00:03:29.160 Have you managed to reclaim your own calm? I have, 53 00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:33.290 I have. It's been a process, but I 54 00:03:33.290 --> 00:03:37.210 have, yeah. So what made you realise that maybe you 55 00:03:37.210 --> 00:03:40.610 weren't calm, which meant you had to try to develop this 56 00:03:41.090 --> 00:03:45.050 way of helping other mums? Yes. So just a little 57 00:03:45.050 --> 00:03:49.050 background. So those. I have the two quote unquote younger kids, they're six and 58 00:03:49.050 --> 00:03:52.330 nine, so they're not little, little anymore. But my oldest, I have a third, she's 59 00:03:52.330 --> 00:03:56.330 22, so big gap. I've been doing this mom 60 00:03:56.330 --> 00:04:00.110 thing for a long time and when my third came 61 00:04:00.350 --> 00:04:03.710 and she was about 2, I would say they were 2, 5 and 17. 62 00:04:04.110 --> 00:04:08.110 I just went through this period of time in my life 63 00:04:08.110 --> 00:04:11.790 where I was so overwhelmed. I woke up every morning just feeling like. 64 00:04:12.910 --> 00:04:16.510 Just overwhelmed and behind for the day already, before the day had even started. 65 00:04:16.830 --> 00:04:20.670 And I just finally thought, I can't, I can't keep living this way. 66 00:04:20.670 --> 00:04:24.430 Right. Like, I've got another 16 years of these 67 00:04:24.430 --> 00:04:28.420 kids for sure, being in my house. And probably more, as most of us moms 68 00:04:28.420 --> 00:04:32.340 of olders know, they. My. My oldest is about to graduate college and move 69 00:04:32.340 --> 00:04:35.860 home for a little bit, so they, they come back and I just thought, I 70 00:04:35.860 --> 00:04:39.700 can't. I can't keep living this way. And so I just decided 71 00:04:39.700 --> 00:04:43.420 to start making some changes in my own life and really just 72 00:04:43.420 --> 00:04:46.940 simplify my life. So it wasn't just a ball of stress all the time. 73 00:04:47.260 --> 00:04:51.180 And I just really wanted to be a present happy 74 00:04:51.180 --> 00:04:54.660 mom for my kids because I know that they deserve that I deserve that, all 75 00:04:54.660 --> 00:04:57.960 the things. So that really was kind of what started my journey of. 76 00:04:58.680 --> 00:05:01.320 Of my own stuff and then turned into. 77 00:05:02.360 --> 00:05:06.280 Into my passion for helping other moms do the same thing. Wow. Yeah. I mean, 78 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:10.720 our kids are. I say kids, they're not really kids anymore. They're. They're grown. They're 79 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:14.520 grown people. Okay. Our daughter's in their 30s and our son's 80 00:05:14.520 --> 00:05:18.440 30 as well. So, yeah, we went through the kid zone 81 00:05:18.440 --> 00:05:22.120 in the early 90s, so it's been a while. Sure. But I do 82 00:05:22.120 --> 00:05:26.000 remember because you think you've got your. You think you got it all 83 00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:28.080 together with the first one, you come out the first one, you kind of get 84 00:05:28.080 --> 00:05:31.920 used to it and they're two or three years old, as 85 00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:35.320 our daughter was, and suddenly you have the second One. You think, 86 00:05:35.560 --> 00:05:38.760 wow, this is a lot harder than I remember. Yeah, 87 00:05:39.320 --> 00:05:43.320 you forget quickly, don't you? You do, you do. Which I always laugh. That's why 88 00:05:43.720 --> 00:05:47.440 we have multiple kids. Because you do it, you get a couple years into it 89 00:05:47.440 --> 00:05:51.320 and you're like, oh, it's another one, another one spot. And then you add a 90 00:05:51.320 --> 00:05:55.240 couple more and you're like, oh my goodness. And you know, for me 91 00:05:55.240 --> 00:05:57.960 it was my, my husband and I are both, 92 00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:01.800 you know, one of the things that's always been important to us is that we, 93 00:06:02.040 --> 00:06:05.920 we keep our life outside of just being mom or dad. My husband 94 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:09.760 is an avid fisherman and hunter and does his own thing, which 95 00:06:09.760 --> 00:06:13.760 I love. I am super social and so finding time 96 00:06:13.760 --> 00:06:17.480 with friends is super important. And I feel like when I was at that stage 97 00:06:17.480 --> 00:06:21.360 where I was like, so overwhelmed that like, the thought of finding time for myself 98 00:06:21.360 --> 00:06:25.240 was so hard. And it's just a common thing. I talk 99 00:06:25.240 --> 00:06:29.240 to many moms about, like, finding any time for themselves seems impossible. And 100 00:06:29.240 --> 00:06:32.320 I thought there's, you know, there's got to be a way because I'm not going 101 00:06:32.320 --> 00:06:36.280 to wait until these kids are 18 or, you know, even, you know, 15, when 102 00:06:36.280 --> 00:06:40.200 maybe life gets a little bit easier to like get back 103 00:06:40.200 --> 00:06:44.080 my own time in life. So it's been, it's been a fun journey 104 00:06:44.080 --> 00:06:48.080 figuring out how to find the calm amidst the chaos. Do you 105 00:06:48.080 --> 00:06:51.960 think some of it is just the, the perfectionism in us 106 00:06:51.960 --> 00:06:55.640 that we want everything just right or I want the house tidy, I want my 107 00:06:55.640 --> 00:06:59.400 kids to look the part, I want to keep my schedule. I've got to maybe 108 00:06:59.400 --> 00:07:02.240 do some work. I've got to look after my partner or my partner's got to 109 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:05.360 look after me. And we're going to try and try and box everything in and 110 00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:09.160 we end up overstressing ourselves. Is that, is that what's going on? Yes, a lot 111 00:07:09.160 --> 00:07:12.840 of it. So much of it. And you know, I'm myself, I'm a super type 112 00:07:12.840 --> 00:07:15.960 A person. I will say I'm less type A now that I have three kids. 113 00:07:15.960 --> 00:07:19.600 Because they do that to you, right? Okay. It's been, it's been a 114 00:07:20.080 --> 00:07:23.440 blessing of that. I will say that I've let go of a lot of my 115 00:07:23.440 --> 00:07:27.200 type A ness because you just realise that life doesn't happen the way 116 00:07:27.200 --> 00:07:31.040 that you want. You can plan, plan as much as you want and kids, 117 00:07:31.200 --> 00:07:34.320 you know, laugh at that. So. And I think, you know, 118 00:07:35.140 --> 00:07:38.980 all the things of societal norms and societal pressures 119 00:07:38.980 --> 00:07:42.860 and you know, now social media and you see all 120 00:07:42.860 --> 00:07:46.820 these picture perfect families and they got it all together and you're like, you know, 121 00:07:46.820 --> 00:07:50.660 I always tell people, like, people don't post the bad stuff. Like nobody, 122 00:07:51.220 --> 00:07:55.220 nobody has it all together. Right? They just don't. And so it's just finding, 123 00:07:55.620 --> 00:07:59.500 you know, finding what works for you. And, you know, when I 124 00:07:59.500 --> 00:08:02.180 talk to other moms, it's always about, you know, I always tell people it's not 125 00:08:02.180 --> 00:08:06.150 about having a perfect house or perfect life or everything cleaned 126 00:08:06.150 --> 00:08:09.750 up. It's about what works for you that keeps your stress level down and 127 00:08:09.750 --> 00:08:13.630 allows you to be that present mom. And, 128 00:08:13.630 --> 00:08:17.510 you know, I have the, you know, benefits of 129 00:08:17.510 --> 00:08:21.430 really. Everyone knows how fast time goes as the older we get, the 130 00:08:21.430 --> 00:08:25.350 faster time goes. And you know that. But with me having a 22 year old 131 00:08:25.350 --> 00:08:28.830 and then a 9 and a 6 year old, my, my youngest is in kindergarten 132 00:08:28.830 --> 00:08:32.750 and my oldest is weeks away from graduating from college. And so I 133 00:08:32.750 --> 00:08:36.710 have that big gap. And so it just has really given me that, 134 00:08:36.710 --> 00:08:40.550 like, perspective to really just be present to 135 00:08:40.550 --> 00:08:44.510 figure out, like, what do I need to do to simplify my life 136 00:08:44.510 --> 00:08:48.390 so I can really, like, be here to enjoy these little years before I blink 137 00:08:48.390 --> 00:08:51.950 in there. And they're actually out of the house. So there's such an age group 138 00:08:51.950 --> 00:08:55.310 that they are effectively different generations. Millennial versus 139 00:08:55.710 --> 00:08:59.630 Gen Z. Yes. Or Gen Alpha even, I guess. Yeah. 140 00:08:59.630 --> 00:09:03.430 I don't even know what they are, but it's. Yeah, they're. There's 15 141 00:09:03.430 --> 00:09:06.750 and a half years between my oldest and my youngest. So it's, 142 00:09:07.550 --> 00:09:10.630 it's a big gap, but. But it's also pretty awesome. You know, I always tell 143 00:09:10.630 --> 00:09:13.310 people, like, it wasn't if I would, if you would have asked me when I 144 00:09:13.310 --> 00:09:16.230 was, you know, teenager if this is how my life would be, I would say, 145 00:09:16.230 --> 00:09:19.870 no way. But it happens how it happened, and it's such a blessing. 146 00:09:20.030 --> 00:09:23.550 My oldest is super, super close with my two youngest. And 147 00:09:23.870 --> 00:09:27.740 just like watching the bond and I think as a parent too, you know, like 148 00:09:27.740 --> 00:09:31.660 having two, you go through that stuff with your first one and then you have 149 00:09:31.660 --> 00:09:35.460 a second one who you're like, wait, now the stuff that I, that worked for 150 00:09:35.460 --> 00:09:38.740 the first one doesn't work for the second one. And then for us, we threw 151 00:09:38.740 --> 00:09:42.540 in that third who's a total. I love her, but she throws everything 152 00:09:42.540 --> 00:09:46.420 out the wind. You're like, nothing is the same for you as it was 153 00:09:46.420 --> 00:09:50.340 for the other two. And so it's just a constant, like, game as 154 00:09:50.340 --> 00:09:54.170 a parent. Right. Figuring out what works and what works for 155 00:09:54.170 --> 00:09:57.570 this kid and what, you know, what, what does this kid need from Me and 156 00:09:57.570 --> 00:10:01.530 what, what do I need? And all those constant things we have to 157 00:10:01.530 --> 00:10:04.250 figure out. I was the eldest of three and my, 158 00:10:05.370 --> 00:10:09.330 my youngest brother is six years younger than 159 00:10:09.330 --> 00:10:13.250 me. I would say it took us till I was in my 160 00:10:13.250 --> 00:10:17.250 late 30s, maybe 40s, to finally get on the 161 00:10:17.250 --> 00:10:20.470 same wavelength. Because when you were younger and you. I was in my 30s, even 162 00:10:20.470 --> 00:10:24.110 his 20s, or I was in my 20s, even in his teens. It's really hard 163 00:10:24.110 --> 00:10:28.070 to create relatable experiences, but once you get past about 35ish, 164 00:10:28.230 --> 00:10:31.270 then your experiences are kind of, kind of the same, aren't they? You've got the 165 00:10:31.270 --> 00:10:34.629 same sort of. You're a parent, you're married, you've got a house, you've got commitments, 166 00:10:34.629 --> 00:10:36.630 you've got all that sort of stuff. So 167 00:10:38.790 --> 00:10:42.070 is your, as your elders found the challenge of being 168 00:10:42.550 --> 00:10:46.550 not a surrogate mum, not a surrogate sort of babysitter and, you know, trying to 169 00:10:46.860 --> 00:10:50.260 resist that, I'll take over and give you freedom or something like that? Was it. 170 00:10:50.260 --> 00:10:54.220 Are they allowed to be themselves still? Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. 171 00:10:54.220 --> 00:10:58.220 I mean, my oldest certainly helps. You know, 172 00:10:58.220 --> 00:11:01.700 Easter weekend, she happened to be home from college, so she babysat for us, which 173 00:11:01.700 --> 00:11:05.220 was wonderful. And we're very blessed to have that ability to have her do that. 174 00:11:05.220 --> 00:11:09.100 I also joke to people having little brother and sister is about the 175 00:11:09.100 --> 00:11:11.980 best form of birth control you can have. Because 176 00:11:12.860 --> 00:11:16.400 I'm like, this is real life. It is not cute baby 177 00:11:16.400 --> 00:11:20.400 cuddles and kisses all day long. It is, you 178 00:11:20.400 --> 00:11:24.120 know, kids that have their own opinions and don't always want to listen 179 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:28.240 and, you know, are annoying at times. And I love 180 00:11:28.240 --> 00:11:32.160 them with all my heart. But kids are kids, right? It's, it's, it's 181 00:11:32.160 --> 00:11:35.960 fun. She gets to. Our oldest gets to see really like real life of 182 00:11:35.960 --> 00:11:39.840 like, what it's like in the throes of being a busy parent 183 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:43.780 and, you know, they're, they're in sports and all those things that are. Our 184 00:11:43.780 --> 00:11:47.740 schedule is busy all the time. So she, she loves it and 185 00:11:47.740 --> 00:11:51.580 gets, you know, gets to love on them. She certainly is helpful for us, 186 00:11:51.580 --> 00:11:55.340 but she also gets to go do her own thing too. And she's old enough 187 00:11:55.340 --> 00:11:58.420 that if she needs a break and needs to get away from these kids, she 188 00:11:58.420 --> 00:12:01.580 can hop in her car and go do whatever she wants, which is great too. 189 00:12:01.900 --> 00:12:05.780 So when you help other moms, how do 190 00:12:05.780 --> 00:12:09.580 they come to you? Are they already in burnout? They're already struggling to cope. 191 00:12:10.220 --> 00:12:13.620 What's the sort of things that normally triggers them to say, I need some help? 192 00:12:13.620 --> 00:12:17.500 Is it postpartum Is it. Is it all that? Yeah, I will say, 193 00:12:17.500 --> 00:12:21.420 you know, it's mostly. It's usually moms that have. Have been doing 194 00:12:21.420 --> 00:12:24.620 the mom thing for a little bit. So I really, you know, 195 00:12:25.180 --> 00:12:29.100 my kind of sweet spot is. Is midlife moms, moms that maybe aren't in 196 00:12:29.100 --> 00:12:32.980 the throat. You know, the throes of little, like a toddler and a baby are 197 00:12:32.980 --> 00:12:36.950 a lot, but. But it's all new and. And all that stuff. It's the moms 198 00:12:36.950 --> 00:12:40.630 that have, like, been doing it for a while and are like, something's gotta give, 199 00:12:40.630 --> 00:12:44.550 right? I can't. I can't keep going on living this way. One of the biggest 200 00:12:44.550 --> 00:12:47.950 things moms say to me is like, I never have enough time. I never have 201 00:12:47.950 --> 00:12:51.390 enough time. And I'm like, I get that. I get that. But I also like 202 00:12:51.390 --> 00:12:55.350 to tell people like, I. I own three businesses. 203 00:12:55.670 --> 00:12:58.910 I have three kids. I have a husband who's gone a lot because I let 204 00:12:58.910 --> 00:13:02.850 him go do his hunting and fishing and all his things he loves. And I 205 00:13:02.850 --> 00:13:06.810 still find time for myself every single day. I just have been 206 00:13:06.810 --> 00:13:10.170 intentional about carving out the time and really 207 00:13:10.570 --> 00:13:14.170 making my life to a part where taking care of myself comes 208 00:13:14.170 --> 00:13:18.050 naturally. And that wasn't easy for me. It took time. But it is those 209 00:13:18.050 --> 00:13:21.930 moms that are just like, something's got to give, and I can't keep going on 210 00:13:21.930 --> 00:13:25.810 this way of just feeling constantly overwhelmed and, you know, so 211 00:13:25.810 --> 00:13:29.310 it's just great to be able to. You know, so many of my moms that 212 00:13:29.310 --> 00:13:31.750 I've talked to are like, you know, it's just great to have somebody to talk 213 00:13:31.750 --> 00:13:35.750 to that, like, gives you permission that it's okay to take care of yourself. 214 00:13:35.750 --> 00:13:39.030 I think as moms, we all know, like, we're supposed to take care of ourselves, 215 00:13:39.030 --> 00:13:42.870 and, yes, we need to, but moms are so good at pouring 216 00:13:42.870 --> 00:13:46.710 their all into their kids and their family that we so often forget to 217 00:13:46.950 --> 00:13:50.350 take care of ourselves and put our own needs first. And I always tell people, 218 00:13:50.350 --> 00:13:54.310 as cliche as it sounds, you know, you can't. You can't pour from an 219 00:13:54.310 --> 00:13:58.240 empty cup, right? Like, we. We have to take care of ourselves first. 220 00:13:58.640 --> 00:14:02.600 And when we do that, we're better able to care for our kids 221 00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:06.200 and our spouse and all those around us that we love. And I just love 222 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:10.040 being able to help moms see that and realise that they're worth 223 00:14:10.040 --> 00:14:13.760 that. Is that the kind of biological imperative, if you like the 224 00:14:13.760 --> 00:14:16.480 nature of being a mum, that you have to be that 225 00:14:17.760 --> 00:14:21.520 the person that takes all of the weight of the family on their shoulders and 226 00:14:21.520 --> 00:14:25.440 feels they're a failure if they leave a dirty plate or if 227 00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:29.160 they. The child isn't self pressure. Often people 228 00:14:29.160 --> 00:14:33.080 often are. Well, I suppose you do get judged by others, don't you? 229 00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:35.800 You're a bad parent, you're a bad mum, you're whatever I don't want to be. 230 00:14:35.800 --> 00:14:38.439 I don't want my friends to think I'm a bad bum. So you're all these 231 00:14:38.439 --> 00:14:42.360 pressures there all the time, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. And I mean 232 00:14:43.480 --> 00:14:46.440 I think it's so much self pressure, I think, I mean 233 00:14:47.400 --> 00:14:51.400 I think that self. Sometimes there's judgement from people. I also 234 00:14:51.400 --> 00:14:55.400 tell people, you know, at my age, which most of the 235 00:14:55.400 --> 00:14:59.280 moms I hang around, I'm 44, I don't mind saying that. But you know, being 236 00:14:59.280 --> 00:15:01.840 this age, you kind of get to that point where you're like, I don't, I 237 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:05.400 don't care what other people think. Like if, if you're going to judge me, that's 238 00:15:05.400 --> 00:15:09.360 on you. But it is, it is just that pressure of, you know, 239 00:15:09.680 --> 00:15:13.440 moms want to. We feel like we need to pour in our everything 240 00:15:13.520 --> 00:15:15.960 to the kids, we got to take care of them, we have to. It has 241 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:19.450 to be perfect. It has to. And you know, it. It took me a long 242 00:15:19.450 --> 00:15:23.450 time to get to this point where I am now, but it really is in 243 00:15:23.450 --> 00:15:27.450 the last five or so years that I was like, wait, I have 244 00:15:27.450 --> 00:15:31.330 a husband who's amazing. My husband is amazing. I love him, he's a 245 00:15:31.330 --> 00:15:34.370 wonderful guy. But he's a guy and he doesn't. 246 00:15:35.090 --> 00:15:38.410 Things don't click the same as as a mom. I think there's this difference of 247 00:15:38.410 --> 00:15:42.410 how men and women are wired, of how we think and care for people. But 248 00:15:42.410 --> 00:15:46.090 he's very willing to help. And one of the things I finally realised 249 00:15:46.090 --> 00:15:49.980 that he and I sat down and had a big talk about was 250 00:15:50.060 --> 00:15:53.660 like, this is our family and this is our house 251 00:15:54.620 --> 00:15:58.580 and why, why am I doing so much of this stuff and 252 00:15:58.580 --> 00:16:02.300 he's not? And because. And it wasn't that he didn't want to, it was just 253 00:16:02.300 --> 00:16:05.100 that I did it all because as a mom I think we just feel like 254 00:16:05.180 --> 00:16:09.060 we need to do the laundry and the dishes and all the things. I 255 00:16:09.060 --> 00:16:12.660 need to start passing off some of that stuff to my husband who was very 256 00:16:12.660 --> 00:16:15.980 willing to help. And so that's another thing I really help moms with is just 257 00:16:16.210 --> 00:16:19.330 seeing that need that we feel like we need to do. It all 258 00:16:20.530 --> 00:16:24.250 is on us. And the only person who can change that is also us. And 259 00:16:24.250 --> 00:16:27.730 we need to, you know, ask for help and delegate and 260 00:16:27.970 --> 00:16:31.890 simple things like my husband now does the dishes every single day, 261 00:16:32.129 --> 00:16:36.090 I do all the laundry, but he puts all the laundry away and 262 00:16:36.090 --> 00:16:40.010 just divvying up those things to realise that even though there's 263 00:16:40.010 --> 00:16:42.970 still those things of like, you feel as a mom that you should be doing 264 00:16:42.970 --> 00:16:45.250 it all and you should be able to do it all, it's like, well, it's 265 00:16:45.250 --> 00:16:48.840 not realistic. How do you work full time, care for the kids, keep up on 266 00:16:48.840 --> 00:16:52.760 the house, find time for yourself? Like, it's just, it's not realistic to do 267 00:16:52.760 --> 00:16:56.560 it all. So I think learning to let go of some of that 268 00:16:56.560 --> 00:17:00.400 need of perfection and needing to do it all is, is the biggest 269 00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:04.840 move moms can take to really better their lives. You 270 00:17:04.840 --> 00:17:07.920 said, you said your age. So I'm not outing you from an age. No, I'm 271 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:11.640 totally open. I'm 60. I'm 60. So awesome. I grew up, I grew up in 272 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:15.570 a world where my mum was a stay at home, full 273 00:17:15.570 --> 00:17:19.370 time mother, homemaker. Me too. And so 274 00:17:19.610 --> 00:17:23.410 we've been brought up in an era where that's kind of the, the plan and 275 00:17:23.410 --> 00:17:27.370 the expectation, but the realism today and probably many of the mums 276 00:17:27.370 --> 00:17:31.250 you, you help have also grown up in a world where mums were full 277 00:17:31.250 --> 00:17:35.170 time mums, stay at home homemakers. So that's not the reality anymore 278 00:17:35.170 --> 00:17:39.130 is that we need to have dual incomes. We need, and also, even if we 279 00:17:39.130 --> 00:17:42.570 don't need the money, we want a different passion and purpose. We want our own 280 00:17:42.570 --> 00:17:46.370 lives, we want our own careers. So we're trying, 281 00:17:46.450 --> 00:17:49.050 we're trying to have everything. We're trying to have our own life, our own passion, 282 00:17:49.050 --> 00:17:52.930 our own careers, our own friends and be an amazing mum. 283 00:17:52.930 --> 00:17:56.850 That's where the best, where the conflict happens, isn't it? Yeah, so much. Yes. 284 00:17:56.850 --> 00:18:00.410 And I think, I mean that is a huge thing. I was, my mom was 285 00:18:00.410 --> 00:18:03.890 a stay at home mom and my dad owned a business and worked crazy hours 286 00:18:04.050 --> 00:18:07.740 and all that stuff. And so I look at like, well my, my mom did 287 00:18:07.740 --> 00:18:11.420 it all. She cooked and cleaned and made, you know, did the 288 00:18:11.420 --> 00:18:15.180 laundry and brought us to school and all those things where my dad 289 00:18:16.060 --> 00:18:19.900 worked and made the money and you know, now it is, it's a, it's a 290 00:18:19.900 --> 00:18:23.860 different world. And I always laugh like I'm, I'm the least feminist person there 291 00:18:23.860 --> 00:18:27.420 is. I'm all about girls having strength and doing their own thing. 292 00:18:28.860 --> 00:18:32.460 But I, but I think that there's, there's just that difference now too of 293 00:18:33.570 --> 00:18:37.450 women are out there and we work and we have our own passions and all 294 00:18:37.450 --> 00:18:41.370 that stuff. And I think that there is a big rewiring that needs to 295 00:18:41.370 --> 00:18:45.010 happen in our brains to know that when you're both working, why is, 296 00:18:45.170 --> 00:18:48.609 why is it that you both work full time, but then all this stuff still 297 00:18:48.609 --> 00:18:52.010 falls on the mom, right? And I think again, a lot of us is that 298 00:18:52.010 --> 00:18:55.610 we just do it. Like, I look at, you know, mine and my husband's 299 00:18:55.610 --> 00:18:59.450 relationship, and I think, well, why would he think he needs to 300 00:18:59.450 --> 00:19:03.250 do X, Y, Z? Because I just automatically do it. And so 301 00:19:03.810 --> 00:19:06.450 he doesn't want to step on my toes because he knows I already do that. 302 00:19:06.930 --> 00:19:10.930 Well, he's not going to do it unless if I ask or mention, like, hey, 303 00:19:11.090 --> 00:19:14.810 it'd be super great if you could start emptying the dishwasher every day. He's like, 304 00:19:14.810 --> 00:19:18.730 oh, I'd be happy to do that if that's what, you know, that's what 305 00:19:18.730 --> 00:19:22.690 would help. Like, great. You know, he's so great about it. But I think 306 00:19:22.690 --> 00:19:26.450 just. We just do. We feel that, like, well, our moms did it all, we 307 00:19:26.450 --> 00:19:29.410 should be able to do it all, but we forget that factor in that, like, 308 00:19:29.540 --> 00:19:33.140 our moms were not working full time while also doing it all. Right, 309 00:19:33.540 --> 00:19:37.180 so do you think part of the problem for that is a failure to communicate 310 00:19:37.180 --> 00:19:40.500 with your. Your partner, your husband, your wife, and actually 311 00:19:40.820 --> 00:19:44.820 saying, this is how I feel. This is where I am right now. And often 312 00:19:44.820 --> 00:19:48.100 when you have this communication, you must go, what if what you said? 313 00:19:48.820 --> 00:19:52.420 And then you expect the other person to be a mind reader and it's, why 314 00:19:52.420 --> 00:19:56.210 didn't you just step in? Well, I thought you were coping, etc. Yes. Oh, 315 00:19:56.210 --> 00:20:00.170 a hundred percent, 100%. I find that 316 00:20:00.170 --> 00:20:04.050 with many of the moms that I talk to, I know it was something 317 00:20:04.050 --> 00:20:07.050 for my husband and I for a long time. 318 00:20:07.450 --> 00:20:10.250 Communication is a huge thing. And, you know, I always tell people, 319 00:20:11.690 --> 00:20:15.130 my husband and I sit down once every a few months, four or five months. 320 00:20:15.130 --> 00:20:17.770 We'll just sit down and have a real come to Jesus talk. 321 00:20:18.730 --> 00:20:22.580 Here's where I'm at. Here's what I'm feeling. And, you know, we've talked a 322 00:20:22.580 --> 00:20:26.580 lot about just the differences of, you know, we hear a lot 323 00:20:26.580 --> 00:20:30.500 about it these days, the mental load of motherhood and what we 324 00:20:30.500 --> 00:20:33.740 take on. And I say, you know what? At any given time, my brain is 325 00:20:34.780 --> 00:20:38.300 going with a million things. What do the kids have? What do they 326 00:20:38.780 --> 00:20:41.980 now in, you know, in Minnesota, it's almost summer, so it's like, oh, do they 327 00:20:41.980 --> 00:20:45.940 have all their Summer clothes because we switched from snow to kneading shorts. So do 328 00:20:45.940 --> 00:20:49.260 they have clothes? What sports do they have? What? You know, all those things constantly 329 00:20:49.260 --> 00:20:53.100 going through my brain that my husband does not have going through his brain 330 00:20:53.100 --> 00:20:57.020 on any given day. And so just sitting down and having 331 00:20:57.020 --> 00:21:00.540 those talks with my husband has been very helpful of, like, hey, 332 00:21:01.180 --> 00:21:03.820 I'm just going to download and tell you a little bit of, like, what is 333 00:21:03.820 --> 00:21:07.820 constantly going through my head. And here's some things 334 00:21:08.060 --> 00:21:11.500 that would be super helpful if you could take off my plate, because 335 00:21:12.220 --> 00:21:16.060 I'm already doing all these things. I have this. And he's like, great, 336 00:21:16.140 --> 00:21:19.680 that's great. And, you know, at our house, I always laugh like, I'm super type 337 00:21:19.680 --> 00:21:22.800 A, so I like things done a certain way. So my husband, who's very, like, 338 00:21:22.800 --> 00:21:26.680 laid back and go with the flow, he also. It's 339 00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:30.200 always a game of, like, you know, he doesn't want to, like, 340 00:21:30.520 --> 00:21:33.200 step in and do something that I might be like, oh, you didn't do that, 341 00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:36.400 right, honey? Which I've also learned to let go of a lot of. But, you 342 00:21:36.400 --> 00:21:40.280 know, just finding that communication. And I do I really talk to moms about, 343 00:21:40.280 --> 00:21:44.120 you know, does your. Does your spouse even know how you feel? Do they know 344 00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:49.170 that you're doing all this? Your husband might work full time, you might work full 345 00:21:49.170 --> 00:21:53.010 time, but why are you working full time coming home and doing all the stuff 346 00:21:53.010 --> 00:21:56.970 with the kids and all the stuff for the house while your husband comes home 347 00:21:56.970 --> 00:22:00.649 and doesn't do that? Like, does. Does he even know how you feel? And they're 348 00:22:00.649 --> 00:22:04.450 like, well, he should. And you're like, well, have you talked about it? Like, 349 00:22:04.450 --> 00:22:08.130 yeah. And, you know, I always look back to. I had. I had a friend 350 00:22:08.130 --> 00:22:11.810 years ago that she used to get mad that her boyfriend 351 00:22:11.890 --> 00:22:15.590 didn't just know what she wanted. And I was like, okay, well, here's. 352 00:22:15.910 --> 00:22:18.910 Here's what you can look at. You can say, I'm bummed that he didn't just 353 00:22:18.910 --> 00:22:22.910 read my mind, which he's not going to do, or you could tell him 354 00:22:22.910 --> 00:22:25.790 what you need, and then. And then if he doesn't do something with it, then 355 00:22:25.790 --> 00:22:28.630 you. Then you have a right to be bummed about that. Right? If you tell 356 00:22:28.630 --> 00:22:31.470 them your needs and they're not being met, then you could be sad. But I'm 357 00:22:31.470 --> 00:22:35.310 like, isn't it just easier to say, like, here's what I would love if. If 358 00:22:35.310 --> 00:22:38.350 you could help with. Or here's what I'd love if you could do. And then 359 00:22:38.350 --> 00:22:41.840 they do it, Then you're Like, great. That works great yourself. Yeah. I think there's 360 00:22:41.840 --> 00:22:45.400 also a, I think we touched on it is a desire not to step on 361 00:22:45.400 --> 00:22:49.040 the other person's toes. You know, if you've got a routine, if you, if you 362 00:22:49.040 --> 00:22:51.560 go and do it your way, as you say, you're a type a person, you 363 00:22:51.560 --> 00:22:55.520 go, actually, you've done really good. But I'm, I'm now stressing because that's not the 364 00:22:55.520 --> 00:22:59.440 way I would have done it. Yes. Yeah. You haven't quite dressed the children 365 00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:02.080 in the way I would address them. I wouldn't have put those socks on them, 366 00:23:02.080 --> 00:23:06.000 you know, so suddenly you're, you're inheriting more stress because you want 367 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:09.980 to control the plan, don't you? Yes. And I think, you know, 368 00:23:09.980 --> 00:23:13.700 one of the things that, that I learned so a little, little also backstory to 369 00:23:13.700 --> 00:23:17.100 me. I was a single mom. I had my oldest my senior year of College. 370 00:23:17.100 --> 00:23:20.580 I was 22 when my oldest was born and oops as I hit my mic. 371 00:23:20.580 --> 00:23:24.500 And we got married when My daughter was 372 00:23:24.500 --> 00:23:27.900 11. And so I was a single mom for many years. And then my husband 373 00:23:27.900 --> 00:23:31.780 came in and he adopted my daughter and we had two more. And 374 00:23:31.780 --> 00:23:35.670 it's, it's all awesome and great, but it was, I was 375 00:23:35.670 --> 00:23:39.310 very set in my ways and used to being it just my daughter and I, 376 00:23:39.310 --> 00:23:42.230 so everything was my way. And then he came in and I had to learn 377 00:23:42.230 --> 00:23:46.110 how to parent more kids with having a spouse. And so it was a thing. 378 00:23:46.110 --> 00:23:49.190 And so one of the big things for me that I constantly remind myself of 379 00:23:49.190 --> 00:23:53.030 is he's not doing it wrong. He just does it different than I do, 380 00:23:53.030 --> 00:23:56.990 which doesn't make it wrong. You know, he, he puts away all 381 00:23:56.990 --> 00:24:00.780 the laundry and still to this day, bless his heart, I love him. He puts 382 00:24:00.780 --> 00:24:04.660 some of my daughter's clothes in the wrong drawers. And she's six, so she 383 00:24:04.660 --> 00:24:08.500 calls them out on it every time. She's like, dad, why are my 384 00:24:08.500 --> 00:24:12.260 pyjamas in my T shirt drawer? And I was like, hey, like he's putting 385 00:24:12.260 --> 00:24:15.940 clothes away and mom's happy about it. So just, just switch it. It's all right. 386 00:24:15.940 --> 00:24:19.180 You can fix it. You know where they go. So I think just, you know, 387 00:24:19.180 --> 00:24:23.140 again, the type A ness. I think as a mom or as a 388 00:24:23.140 --> 00:24:26.300 parent or grown up or anything, like just learning to let go of some of 389 00:24:26.300 --> 00:24:30.240 that. That once you have kids and a spouse, like, things are not going 390 00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:34.120 to be 100% your way anymore. And the greatest thing you can do is 391 00:24:34.120 --> 00:24:36.560 just learn how to let go of some of that need to have it all 392 00:24:36.560 --> 00:24:39.560 be perfect or just your way and know that if you're going to ask for 393 00:24:39.560 --> 00:24:42.200 help, you're going to have to be okay with it being done. Maybe a little 394 00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:46.040 bit different way than you would do it. Yeah, completely. Completely. Yeah. I was just 395 00:24:46.040 --> 00:24:49.960 thinking there that, you know, it is this sort of not wanting to 396 00:24:49.960 --> 00:24:53.880 overstep or not fully understanding what the other person's doing, feeling the other 397 00:24:53.880 --> 00:24:57.770 person's in control when really their feet are flapping 398 00:24:57.770 --> 00:25:01.090 under the water. They just look like a calm swan on top of the water. 399 00:25:01.170 --> 00:25:04.890 So yeah, it's a challenge. And I guess again, 400 00:25:04.890 --> 00:25:08.610 without putting words into your mouth, you get 40s 401 00:25:09.090 --> 00:25:12.930