WEBVTT 1 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:11.320 Welcome to Inclusion Bites, your sanctuary 2 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:15.200 for bold conversations that spark change. I'm Joanne Lockwood, 3 00:00:15.200 --> 00:00:18.720 your guide on this journey of exploration into the heart of 4 00:00:18.720 --> 00:00:22.640 inclusion, belonging and societal transformation. 5 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:27.040 Ever wondered what it truly takes to create a world? Remember, everyone 6 00:00:27.040 --> 00:00:30.760 not only belongs, but thrives. You're not alone. 7 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:35.200 Join me as we uncover the unseen, challenge 8 00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:38.760 the status quo and share storeys that resonate 9 00:00:38.760 --> 00:00:42.480 deep within. Ready to dive in? Whether you're 10 00:00:42.480 --> 00:00:46.400 sipping your morning coffee or winding down after a long day, let's 11 00:00:46.400 --> 00:00:50.360 connect, reflect and inspire action together. 12 00:00:51.080 --> 00:00:54.870 Don't forget, you can be part of the conversation too. Reach out 13 00:00:54.870 --> 00:00:58.670 to jo.lockwood@seechangehappen.co.uk 14 00:00:59.070 --> 00:01:02.590 to share your insights or to join me on the show. 15 00:01:03.470 --> 00:01:07.230 So adjust your earbuds and settle in. It's time to 16 00:01:07.230 --> 00:01:10.830 ignite the spark of inclusion with Inclusion Bites. 17 00:01:14.590 --> 00:01:18.270 And today is episode 208 with the title 18 00:01:18.980 --> 00:01:22.700 Reclaiming Intimate Connection. And I have the absolute 19 00:01:22.700 --> 00:01:26.700 honour and privilege to welcome Xanet Pailet. Xanet is a 20 00:01:26.700 --> 00:01:30.700 nationally recognised sex and intimacy educator, coach, best 21 00:01:30.700 --> 00:01:34.339 selling author and retreat leader who helps committed couples 22 00:01:34.339 --> 00:01:38.260 repair disconnection and rediscover emotional 23 00:01:38.260 --> 00:01:42.220 and sexual intimacy after years of struggle. When I asked 24 00:01:42.220 --> 00:01:45.990 Shanae to describe her superpower, she said that it is her ability 25 00:01:45.990 --> 00:01:49.110 to guide couples through shame and silence into honest, 26 00:01:49.590 --> 00:01:53.350 embodied conversations that restore safety, desire 27 00:01:53.430 --> 00:01:57.430 and deep connection. Hello, Xanet. Welcome to the show. 28 00:01:57.670 --> 00:02:01.030 Thank you, Jo. I am super excited to be here and have this 29 00:02:01.030 --> 00:02:04.870 conversation with you and help your audience learn how to 30 00:02:05.030 --> 00:02:07.110 have a better sex life and improve it. 31 00:02:09.590 --> 00:02:12.980 When your email came in with your blurb for the, for the show, I read 32 00:02:12.980 --> 00:02:16.860 it and thought, oh, this sounds interesting. Sex, Sex and intimacy educator. 33 00:02:16.860 --> 00:02:20.100 I thought, well, as a, as a, as a, as a 60 year old, I've, 34 00:02:20.100 --> 00:02:23.900 I've had my plenty of, plenty of life to have sex 35 00:02:23.900 --> 00:02:26.860 and it be intimate. So it'd be interesting to see where we go with this. 36 00:02:27.500 --> 00:02:31.100 Beautiful. So you're, you're based in the States somewhere, is it? 37 00:02:31.260 --> 00:02:35.260 I am, yes. I'm in the States. I'm in Asheville, North Carolina. 38 00:02:35.260 --> 00:02:39.260 Western North Carolina, in the mountains. We just snowed here a little bit 39 00:02:39.340 --> 00:02:42.950 last night. Oh, wow. Wow. Because I always think of the 40 00:02:42.950 --> 00:02:46.710 Carolinas as being sort of the south and hot and sticky. Yeah, 41 00:02:46.710 --> 00:02:50.270 When I was there in what, 93, it was very hot and 42 00:02:50.270 --> 00:02:53.990 sticky. So you've got snow and mountains? Well, 43 00:02:53.990 --> 00:02:57.750 yeah. And in the winter, most of North Carolina 44 00:02:58.150 --> 00:03:02.030 gets colder anyway. Like, you know, people think it's going to be 45 00:03:02.030 --> 00:03:05.750 warm here, but it's not. It's, you know, even by the beach. It's probably 46 00:03:05.750 --> 00:03:09.340 down in the. Maybe freeze right here. It's. I don't know, in the 20s. 47 00:03:09.820 --> 00:03:13.660 I was chatting to another guest who is from Atlanta in Georgia, which is probably 48 00:03:13.660 --> 00:03:17.580 a neighbour, isn't it? Ish. Yeah. Like five hours away. Georgia. 49 00:03:18.460 --> 00:03:22.380 It was saying they were. They were saying it was cold. Yeah. Back last November. 50 00:03:22.380 --> 00:03:25.980 So you were having quite. Quite a cold snap, if you like. 51 00:03:26.300 --> 00:03:30.180 Disproportionate. Yes, yes, yes, yes, that is true. But, 52 00:03:30.180 --> 00:03:33.340 you know, we've got our warm coats and our fireplaces and 53 00:03:33.970 --> 00:03:37.890 Ugg boots. It's all good. Oh, yeah, we've got to have 54 00:03:37.890 --> 00:03:41.410 our Ugg boots. We definitely gotta have our Ugg boots as well. Exactly. 55 00:03:41.890 --> 00:03:45.810 It's not really cold enough here for too much, but, yeah, we're more of a 56 00:03:46.370 --> 00:03:50.210 wet and windy sort of part of the country. So. Yeah. Miserable 57 00:03:50.210 --> 00:03:54.170 damp. Yeah, I can handle snow, I can handle a bit 58 00:03:54.170 --> 00:03:57.970 of ice, but, yeah, damp. Yeah. That's kind of hard too, the damp. The. 59 00:03:57.970 --> 00:04:01.820 Yeah. So you said in your notes that you put through 60 00:04:01.820 --> 00:04:05.740 that you yourself had experienced 61 00:04:05.740 --> 00:04:09.580 a 26 year sexless marriage and 62 00:04:09.580 --> 00:04:13.340 you obviously had an epiphany. You had some moment in that time that 63 00:04:13.340 --> 00:04:17.020 triggered you into doing something about that. So tell me a bit about that. 64 00:04:17.420 --> 00:04:21.100 Yeah, I mean, I was married for 26 years 65 00:04:21.260 --> 00:04:25.100 and that marriage was primarily sexless probably 66 00:04:25.180 --> 00:04:28.660 for 20 years, which is actually 67 00:04:28.900 --> 00:04:32.540 less uncommon than you would think. Right. Like, there's. There's a lot of couples that 68 00:04:32.540 --> 00:04:36.420 are actually living in sexless marriages. And mine 69 00:04:36.500 --> 00:04:40.420 was really related to a lot of 70 00:04:40.420 --> 00:04:43.780 my own trauma growing up in childhood. Not 71 00:04:43.940 --> 00:04:47.820 sexual abuse trauma, but shame trauma, which is a 72 00:04:47.820 --> 00:04:51.540 thing, and some medical trauma, which is also a thing. So it just 73 00:04:51.970 --> 00:04:55.770 made sex uncomfortable and painful and my body was just 74 00:04:55.770 --> 00:04:59.490 really, really shut down. And because 75 00:04:59.810 --> 00:05:03.570 we were super young, I was 24 when I got married. I just 76 00:05:03.570 --> 00:05:07.090 graduated law school. We really didn't have skills, 77 00:05:07.649 --> 00:05:11.490 knowledge, information, the ability to be able to process this, 78 00:05:11.490 --> 00:05:15.010 to talk about it, to solve it, to do anything about it other than fight 79 00:05:15.010 --> 00:05:18.890 about it and then just stop it because we had to stop the fighting 80 00:05:18.890 --> 00:05:22.770 and be parents. And so it just went on, you know, for 20 81 00:05:22.770 --> 00:05:26.430 years. And it for me was like, oh, you know, doesn't feel good 82 00:05:26.430 --> 00:05:29.590 anyway, want to do this. Like, it just. It made no sense to me that 83 00:05:29.590 --> 00:05:33.590 people wanted to have sex ever. Just didn't. I know, but 84 00:05:33.590 --> 00:05:36.830 it's true. And so, you know, like, what do we do? Like, we take all 85 00:05:36.830 --> 00:05:40.830 of that sexual energy which we have, like, poured it into 86 00:05:40.830 --> 00:05:44.590 my kids and my business and my hobbies and 87 00:05:44.590 --> 00:05:48.590 my side businesses and allowed the relationship to 88 00:05:48.590 --> 00:05:52.510 wither because that's what happens a lot of the times 89 00:05:52.590 --> 00:05:56.590 when there's bad communication, you're feeling disconnected from your 90 00:05:56.590 --> 00:06:00.510 partner, there's a big issue you can't talk about. And intimacy just like 91 00:06:00.510 --> 00:06:04.110 fades over a period of time 92 00:06:04.990 --> 00:06:08.950 until we found ourselves living separate lives, living 93 00:06:08.950 --> 00:06:12.910 in separate bedrooms, even while our kids were growing up. So, yeah, 94 00:06:13.470 --> 00:06:17.110 it was a challenging in some ways. It didn't feel 95 00:06:17.110 --> 00:06:20.350 challenging at the time because I was so busy with other stuff. 96 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:24.080 But looking back on it, it's like, yeah, that was. There was a lot of 97 00:06:24.080 --> 00:06:27.960 grief that happened of the. Not so much the sex, but the lack 98 00:06:27.960 --> 00:06:31.960 of closeness, the lack of feeling emotionally supported and emotionally 99 00:06:31.960 --> 00:06:35.200 connected. Does sex really matter in a relationship? 100 00:06:35.840 --> 00:06:39.760 Ah, so interesting. I just posted on Facebook a 101 00:06:39.760 --> 00:06:43.760 question. I literally posted that question like you can. And it was like, 102 00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:47.560 you can have. You can have sex without love, but in a long term 103 00:06:47.560 --> 00:06:51.350 relationship, can you have love? Can you. You can have. Sorry, 104 00:06:52.630 --> 00:06:56.470 you can have sex without love, but in a long time relationship, can you 105 00:06:56.470 --> 00:07:00.310 have love without sex? And I got a lot of feedback and a lot of 106 00:07:00.310 --> 00:07:03.670 comments on that question that I posed. And it was really 107 00:07:03.670 --> 00:07:07.510 fascinating to me to get to hear what people had to say. So 108 00:07:07.750 --> 00:07:11.670 what I heard from a lot of people, and mind you, a lot of 109 00:07:11.670 --> 00:07:15.430 these people who are responding to my Facebook posts are already pretty sex 110 00:07:15.430 --> 00:07:18.870 positive and a whole bunch of them are already in like open 111 00:07:18.870 --> 00:07:22.310 relationships. So it's not really apples to apples, 112 00:07:22.770 --> 00:07:26.730 right? But you know, what I heard 113 00:07:26.730 --> 00:07:30.610 very, very frequently was like, yes, you can. You know, like 114 00:07:30.610 --> 00:07:34.450 that does happen over time. Things do change. And it's, and it's, 115 00:07:34.450 --> 00:07:38.130 you know, and I get that. And I always question whether 116 00:07:38.529 --> 00:07:42.210 that's happening with consent, whether it's happening because conversations 117 00:07:42.850 --> 00:07:46.610 aren't happening. And actually one partner wants sex and the 118 00:07:46.610 --> 00:07:50.380 other partner has maybe a lower desire. 119 00:07:50.700 --> 00:07:54.700 So, you know, it's actually a great question. So clearly there's a lot of couples 120 00:07:54.780 --> 00:07:58.220 that are together who aren't having sex, right? 121 00:07:59.420 --> 00:08:02.860 The question that I always ask is like, is that 122 00:08:02.860 --> 00:08:06.580 consensual? Have you guys had a conversation and 123 00:08:06.580 --> 00:08:10.540 decided like, yes, you know, we're in a new stage of life 124 00:08:10.540 --> 00:08:14.180 and we just don't want to have sex anymore. We just want to 125 00:08:14.180 --> 00:08:18.140 cuddle maybe, and that's just what we want, or 126 00:08:18.140 --> 00:08:21.680 is it that one person is holding a lot of resentment because her sexual needs 127 00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:25.480 aren't being met or, you know, as is often the case, 128 00:08:25.480 --> 00:08:29.400 is this really about, we're not having sex because there's other 129 00:08:29.400 --> 00:08:33.240 relationship issues going on underneath that. And we're feeling 130 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:37.200 emotionally disconnected. And because we're feeling emotionally disconnected and there's a lot of 131 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:40.840 resentment and anger, we don't really want to have sex with each other. Right. 132 00:08:40.920 --> 00:08:44.800 So there's, there's a lot of different ways that you can skin that cat, if 133 00:08:44.800 --> 00:08:48.600 you will. It's a great question. I was super curious about how people answered it. 134 00:08:48.790 --> 00:08:51.590 I've. I've got loads of things firing up off in my head right now. So 135 00:08:51.750 --> 00:08:55.430 how, how, how would you describe sex? 136 00:08:55.670 --> 00:08:59.350 I mean, because sex is a spectrum. It is. And 137 00:08:59.510 --> 00:09:03.310 it doesn't have to be penetrative. There are other ways 138 00:09:03.310 --> 00:09:07.190 of. Yeah. So how would you describe sex? I think that's. That's a great. That's 139 00:09:07.190 --> 00:09:10.870 a great question. Right. And I didn't, I didn't buy that. But, you know, 140 00:09:10.870 --> 00:09:14.670 typically, I think when people think about sex, they think about penis and 141 00:09:14.670 --> 00:09:18.430 vagina, which we call in the sex therapy world, pivot 142 00:09:19.460 --> 00:09:23.020 sex. Right. I don't define it that way. I think that's one of the 143 00:09:23.020 --> 00:09:26.780 challenges that a lot of couples have in their relationship is they're 144 00:09:26.780 --> 00:09:30.540 so oriented towards penetrative sex, and 145 00:09:30.540 --> 00:09:33.780 they're so oriented towards goals and 146 00:09:33.940 --> 00:09:37.940 orgasms that they lose out on a lot of other opportunities. 147 00:09:38.020 --> 00:09:41.860 So, like, I define sex as a very, 148 00:09:42.340 --> 00:09:46.100 you know, sort of wide spectrum, just like you said, 149 00:09:46.100 --> 00:09:50.100 right? Anything from, like having a makeout session, like a 150 00:09:50.100 --> 00:09:53.760 fruit first base makeout session, to penetrative sex. Right. And 151 00:09:53.760 --> 00:09:57.680 anything in between. So if you can, you know, open up the definition 152 00:09:57.680 --> 00:10:00.520 of sex, then there's a lot of ways to be able to connect with your 153 00:10:00.520 --> 00:10:03.760 partner erotically that don't have to involve. 154 00:10:04.800 --> 00:10:08.440 That don't necessarily have to involve penetration. That's 155 00:10:08.440 --> 00:10:12.440 helpful for couples to understand that. But they also have to shift their 156 00:10:12.440 --> 00:10:16.080 mind, right? There has to be a paradigm shift around 157 00:10:16.160 --> 00:10:20.080 what sex is and, you know, what it is now and what it 158 00:10:20.080 --> 00:10:23.910 could potentially be. I think back to my 159 00:10:25.590 --> 00:10:29.510 school days, you know, behind the bicycle sheds, you know, 160 00:10:29.510 --> 00:10:32.470 going for walks in the woods. And I remember having 161 00:10:33.670 --> 00:10:37.190 several girlfriends at the time who we would 162 00:10:37.590 --> 00:10:41.550 certainly not go all the way. This was not a meatloaf 163 00:10:41.550 --> 00:10:44.950 bat out of hell. I've got to know right now, will you love me forever 164 00:10:45.270 --> 00:10:48.230 Type conversation. We were probably first base, second base, 165 00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:53.320 groping, fondling, probably achieving 166 00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:56.560 orgasm, but not with any 167 00:10:57.360 --> 00:11:00.000 PIV, if you want using the phrase you use. 168 00:11:01.040 --> 00:11:04.639 And I'm pretty sure at the time we thought that was pretty risky. 169 00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:09.240 We didn't feel that we were holding back. We just Respected each other enough to 170 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:12.880 say we don't want to go any further than that. And even in couples now 171 00:11:13.280 --> 00:11:17.200 can still go a long way without actually having penetrative sex. 172 00:11:18.580 --> 00:11:21.380 Totally. And it's a good thing to do. 173 00:11:22.660 --> 00:11:24.820 Yeah. And also just 174 00:11:26.180 --> 00:11:30.180 putting a sort of multidimensional spin on this. You know, we talk about this in 175 00:11:30.740 --> 00:11:34.620 heteronormative terms. Not everybody has one 176 00:11:34.620 --> 00:11:38.220 of each in a couple. Sometimes you don't have a penis, you don't have a 177 00:11:38.220 --> 00:11:42.220 vagina in a couple. PIV is 178 00:11:42.220 --> 00:11:46.210 not the only way of. Totally of being intimate, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, 179 00:11:46.210 --> 00:11:50.170 definitely. And. Yeah, well, definitely. And non heteronormative. Right. 180 00:11:50.170 --> 00:11:53.650 There's a lot of different ways to be intimate, but yeah, it's 181 00:11:53.650 --> 00:11:57.410 definitely not, you know, it can vary from, you 182 00:11:57.410 --> 00:12:01.170 know, like I said, from having a makeout session to 183 00:12:01.170 --> 00:12:05.010 even just sexting with each other or, you know, talking about 184 00:12:05.010 --> 00:12:08.730 a fantasy like that can be a huge turn on for a couple. 185 00:12:08.810 --> 00:12:12.290 They don't have to do anything about it, but they can just talk about it. 186 00:12:12.290 --> 00:12:16.250 Right. So the more we can open up the definition of sex, the 187 00:12:16.250 --> 00:12:20.130 more ability, hopefully couples will have to be able to 188 00:12:20.130 --> 00:12:24.130 have more sexual interaction with each other. So what 189 00:12:24.130 --> 00:12:26.570 we're saying here then is that the. The term sex 190 00:12:27.850 --> 00:12:31.330 is not one thing, is it? Is it? Or is there a 191 00:12:31.330 --> 00:12:34.970 commonality? Is it to. To put a phrase, 192 00:12:35.530 --> 00:12:39.370 something that gets your juices flowing in some way? Yeah, that's how I 193 00:12:39.370 --> 00:12:42.980 define it. Like anything that creates erotic energy is sex. 194 00:12:43.380 --> 00:12:47.380 That's it. That's my definition. That's a very, very broad definition, 195 00:12:48.100 --> 00:12:51.700 but I think it's a definition that opens up a lot more possibilities 196 00:12:51.860 --> 00:12:55.540 for people to be able to interact with their partner sexually 197 00:12:55.780 --> 00:12:59.620 without having all of the pressure that comes with, you 198 00:12:59.620 --> 00:13:03.580 know, genital focus Sex? Yeah. So 199 00:13:03.580 --> 00:13:07.380 generating that. Generating that intimacy in however you do that, 200 00:13:07.380 --> 00:13:11.260 and that can be just through touch, through making out. It 201 00:13:11.260 --> 00:13:14.140 could be just beholding and hugging each other and just being with each other and 202 00:13:14.140 --> 00:13:17.780 feeling that energy. Right. Without having to go all the way, 203 00:13:18.340 --> 00:13:22.180 whatever that all the way means. Exactly. Not everybody can. 204 00:13:22.900 --> 00:13:26.820 Without blue pills and Viagra, some people can't achieve that. Some people have 205 00:13:27.060 --> 00:13:30.900 menopause, their vagina is not capable of receiving anymore 206 00:13:30.900 --> 00:13:34.580 for various reasons. So, yeah, a whole host of reasons medically, why it may not 207 00:13:34.580 --> 00:13:37.650 be practical as well. That's absolutely true. Yeah. So how did. 208 00:13:38.290 --> 00:13:42.170 I'm assuming that when you. Using yourself as an example, as you. As 209 00:13:42.170 --> 00:13:46.010 you put yourself on the line here, was it something 210 00:13:46.010 --> 00:13:50.010 you drifted into and nobody noticed the slide until it 211 00:13:50.010 --> 00:13:53.170 Got too far. You had children 212 00:13:53.810 --> 00:13:57.170 and there's always obviously a pause when 213 00:13:57.890 --> 00:14:01.870 you're raising the children. You've got some stress going on, you're trying to work, 214 00:14:02.190 --> 00:14:05.710 look after the kids. All this other thing, you end up with tension and arguments 215 00:14:05.710 --> 00:14:08.950 and debate. As you talked about, you fall out of love a bit, you never 216 00:14:08.950 --> 00:14:12.950 quite reclaim that. Is it, is that typically a pattern? I don't know that 217 00:14:12.950 --> 00:14:16.950 my pattern withstander is like my pattern 218 00:14:16.950 --> 00:14:20.870 I don't think is typical because of all of the pain that I had 219 00:14:20.870 --> 00:14:24.750 with sex. So it was just like, I don't want to do this, my body 220 00:14:24.750 --> 00:14:28.670 hurts. This isn't fun. You know, you're not getting off, I'm not getting 221 00:14:28.670 --> 00:14:31.870 off. We're. I'm crying, you're frustrated, like 222 00:14:32.350 --> 00:14:35.910 screw this, right? So I don't know that I'm typical. But what is 223 00:14:35.910 --> 00:14:39.870 typical, right? And take me out of the, out of the equation for 224 00:14:39.870 --> 00:14:43.630 the moment. I think what is typical is, yeah, of 225 00:14:43.630 --> 00:14:47.510 course, you know, it does tend to happen and it does 226 00:14:47.510 --> 00:14:51.390 tend to fade, often slowly, before you know it, 227 00:14:51.470 --> 00:14:55.350 right. Certainly when you have children. Children screw up people's sex 228 00:14:55.350 --> 00:14:59.310 lives, we all know that, right? That's just an absolute reality. 229 00:14:59.390 --> 00:15:03.250 It makes it so much harder to find, to connect. Like it's 230 00:15:03.250 --> 00:15:06.690 just, you know, you never know when they're going to run into the bedroom, right? 231 00:15:06.690 --> 00:15:10.050 Like it is a problem. And even as they get older, like I was just 232 00:15:10.050 --> 00:15:13.290 working with a couple the other day and they're like, well, we love our 13 233 00:15:13.290 --> 00:15:16.690 year old daughter, but like she wants to like come in at 10 o' clock 234 00:15:16.690 --> 00:15:20.610 at night and like, you know, shoot the shit with her and it's great, we 235 00:15:20.610 --> 00:15:24.050 love that. But that really screws up our sex life because we don't know when 236 00:15:24.050 --> 00:15:27.610 that's going to happen, right? So it's not like once they're past 10, 237 00:15:28.170 --> 00:15:32.010 things actually change. So that does make it challenging. 238 00:15:32.090 --> 00:15:35.670 And you know, you really have to, to make it a priority. 239 00:15:35.910 --> 00:15:38.950 But I do think that, you know, 240 00:15:39.670 --> 00:15:43.510 and this is, this is kind of what my Facebook post proved, right, is 241 00:15:43.510 --> 00:15:46.470 that like it does fade slowly over time 242 00:15:47.430 --> 00:15:51.150 and some of this is, you know, some level of it is a 243 00:15:51.150 --> 00:15:54.630 natural. Like things are going to change when you're in a long term relationship, 244 00:15:55.190 --> 00:15:58.830 right? Unless you really, it's important to you and you really make a 245 00:15:58.830 --> 00:16:02.470 priority to keep things interesting and new and different and 246 00:16:02.470 --> 00:16:06.350 experiment because people start getting bored and a lot 247 00:16:06.350 --> 00:16:10.070 of times when you start getting bored, you know, sex is only okay 248 00:16:10.950 --> 00:16:14.830 then maybe I'd rather be cooking, right? Like 249 00:16:14.830 --> 00:16:18.630 it Just doesn't become as important, as much of a priority 250 00:16:19.030 --> 00:16:22.950 when it just doesn't feel that good or if it's only okay or it's starting 251 00:16:22.950 --> 00:16:26.790 to get boring. And, and I think that's part of the reason 252 00:16:27.590 --> 00:16:31.180 that, that sex starts fading 253 00:16:31.340 --> 00:16:35.300 over time. We're just doing the same thing over and over again. I can just 254 00:16:35.300 --> 00:16:38.540 pull up my vibrator and have an orgasm just as quick as you can get 255 00:16:38.540 --> 00:16:42.220 me that. You know what I'm saying? And that, that doesn't actually hit 256 00:16:42.860 --> 00:16:46.499 the desires that we want. Like it doesn't hit our turn ons. And I think 257 00:16:46.499 --> 00:16:50.340 that's where a lot of couples get stuck. They, they get in this 258 00:16:50.340 --> 00:16:54.260 rote place. It's not really hitting their erotic 259 00:16:54.260 --> 00:16:57.980 desires and their erotic turn ons. And so it just becomes, at best, 260 00:16:58.460 --> 00:17:02.260 at worst, it's like, I'm going to do it to please you because I don't 261 00:17:02.260 --> 00:17:06.060 want to lose you. And then it becomes obligation sex. 262 00:17:06.540 --> 00:17:09.980 And then often that builds up, you know, some resentment. 263 00:17:10.300 --> 00:17:13.460 And so I don't really want to do that. I don't want to feel like 264 00:17:13.460 --> 00:17:17.420 I'm having obligation sex. So it just, it stops. 265 00:17:18.540 --> 00:17:22.340 And you know, does stress get in the way? Like, let's take kids out 266 00:17:22.340 --> 00:17:25.820 of the equation, you know, financial stress, 267 00:17:26.510 --> 00:17:30.030 you know, familial stress. Like all of the things, 268 00:17:30.750 --> 00:17:33.950 all of the ways in which life is so stressful, especially now. 269 00:17:34.430 --> 00:17:37.870 Right. Especially in the United States right now. 270 00:17:39.470 --> 00:17:43.310 It really makes people lose their libido. They're just 271 00:17:43.310 --> 00:17:46.510 like, you know, that is one of the biggest libido killers is stress. 272 00:17:47.070 --> 00:17:49.990 And I think a lot of people are feeling a lot of stress in their 273 00:17:49.990 --> 00:17:53.850 bodies. Yeah. The world is not a, a safe 274 00:17:53.850 --> 00:17:57.610 place these days. Isn't it not a safe place these days? We're closer to nuclear 275 00:17:57.610 --> 00:18:01.370 war than we've been since jfk. Yeah, 276 00:18:01.370 --> 00:18:05.170 absolutely. It's not Cuban. Missing class. Yeah, we're all, 277 00:18:05.170 --> 00:18:08.850 we're all feeling it. Is this true 278 00:18:09.010 --> 00:18:12.050 what Bert say when couples are in these 279 00:18:12.450 --> 00:18:16.410 sexless marriages, Sexless relationships, sexless, 280 00:18:16.410 --> 00:18:20.290 whatever. However you want to describe the coupling, one of them 281 00:18:20.290 --> 00:18:24.090 can be jolted into another, into a sexy based relationship with 282 00:18:24.090 --> 00:18:28.030 somebody else randomly. You know, so I have an affair, flirting, sexting, glance 283 00:18:28.030 --> 00:18:30.830 at the bar, quick drink, all of a sudden something happens. So 284 00:18:32.110 --> 00:18:35.630 is that, does that kind of mean that inherently we're all 285 00:18:36.350 --> 00:18:40.190 wired to go, I can do this again. But it needs that, 286 00:18:40.190 --> 00:18:43.950 that difference, that trigger, that, that spark, those, those dopamine 287 00:18:43.950 --> 00:18:47.790 chemicals floating around in your head or something kicking off. So we've all got that 288 00:18:47.790 --> 00:18:50.590 potential to rekindle it with somebody else. 289 00:18:51.590 --> 00:18:55.470 Yeah. Trying to rekindle it together. Yeah. I mean, of course, 290 00:18:55.470 --> 00:18:58.950 I think that's one of the reasons, the biggest reasons that couples 291 00:18:58.950 --> 00:19:02.950 separate. Right. Is they're not having sex. Right. That is a huge 292 00:19:03.190 --> 00:19:07.069 pain point in a lot of relationships. Or 293 00:19:07.069 --> 00:19:10.990 somebody goes outside of the marriage because they're not having sex in the marriage 294 00:19:10.990 --> 00:19:13.830 and then, you know, they go outside of the marriage. 295 00:19:14.630 --> 00:19:18.600 And yes. I mean, there is the 296 00:19:18.600 --> 00:19:22.600 absolute reality that it is very, very hard to reclaim that 297 00:19:22.600 --> 00:19:26.160 new relationship energy in the context of 298 00:19:26.320 --> 00:19:29.760 a long term relationship because it's very, very specific 299 00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:33.840 to that period of time when you first meet somebody. Those first six 300 00:19:33.840 --> 00:19:37.720 to 18 months. Right. And the dopamine hormones are just surging 301 00:19:37.720 --> 00:19:41.520 through your body, which is basically just mother Nature's, you 302 00:19:41.520 --> 00:19:45.520 know, imprint on, want you to procreate. Really what's happening, Right. 303 00:19:45.520 --> 00:19:49.280 Even if you're 50 or 60 years old, it doesn't matter. You know, 304 00:19:49.280 --> 00:19:53.040 you're going at it like bunnies. You're going at it like bunnies, right? Exactly. Because 305 00:19:53.040 --> 00:19:56.760 of that new relationship energy. And that new relationship energy 306 00:19:57.160 --> 00:20:01.160 naturally fades after 18 months at the most. Right. 307 00:20:01.400 --> 00:20:05.360 Couples that have been able to maintain that level of 308 00:20:05.360 --> 00:20:09.080 connection that I've seen and, and worked with 309 00:20:09.080 --> 00:20:13.080 or have talked to have experienced are really couples who 310 00:20:13.240 --> 00:20:14.600 make it a priority, 311 00:20:17.620 --> 00:20:21.460 understand that they need to change things up in their relationship. Like, they 312 00:20:21.460 --> 00:20:25.140 can't do the same thing over and over again. They need to be 313 00:20:25.220 --> 00:20:28.820 curious, they need to explore, they need to try new things. 314 00:20:28.900 --> 00:20:32.580 They, you know, and, and not just in their sex life, by the way. 315 00:20:32.660 --> 00:20:36.580 Right. Like in other aspects of their life. Like, we do have research that 316 00:20:36.580 --> 00:20:40.420 shows it's fascinating, which, but it shows that couples that 317 00:20:40.420 --> 00:20:43.620 do a lot of different interesting things all the time, like, oh, one day we're 318 00:20:43.620 --> 00:20:46.180 going to go to the museum and the next day we're going to take a 319 00:20:46.180 --> 00:20:48.970 cooking class and, you know, whatever, have a better sex. 320 00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:54.040 Because they're more, you know, they're more focused 321 00:20:54.040 --> 00:20:58.000 on doing new things and changing things up. And just doing those things 322 00:20:58.080 --> 00:21:02.000 makes it more exciting and interesting to be with your partner because 323 00:21:02.080 --> 00:21:05.440 you're experiencing new things with them all their time. And you get to look at 324 00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:08.800 them and you're like, oh, look at you. Like you're cooking in the kitchen. I've 325 00:21:08.800 --> 00:21:11.560 never seen you do pastry before. Right. And you kind of fall in love with 326 00:21:11.560 --> 00:21:15.480 them again. So, you know, that is one of the, that's one of 327 00:21:15.480 --> 00:21:19.230 the, that's one of the things that I've really learned 328 00:21:19.310 --> 00:21:22.830 is how important it Is in the context of a long term 329 00:21:22.830 --> 00:21:26.830 relationship, to find time outside of the bedroom to do new, fun 330 00:21:26.830 --> 00:21:30.670 and interesting things with your partner, to be explored, to adventurous, to 331 00:21:30.670 --> 00:21:34.670 try new things. Because it does keep that energy going and then 332 00:21:34.670 --> 00:21:38.630 that can flow over to the bedroom as well. Again, you're talking about things that 333 00:21:38.630 --> 00:21:42.610 are flowing through my head. It must be very. One of the 334 00:21:42.610 --> 00:21:46.330 challenges must be trying to synchronise your libido. Where 335 00:21:46.330 --> 00:21:48.970 I'm coming to bed late or I'm going to bed early, you're going to bed 336 00:21:48.970 --> 00:21:51.810 late, you want to read your book, I want to finish watching the telepathy. Just 337 00:21:51.810 --> 00:21:54.610 finish off some work and you say, I'll do the washing up, take the dog 338 00:21:54.610 --> 00:21:58.490 out and you just go, yeah. Or if one person is feeling a bit horny 339 00:21:58.490 --> 00:22:02.450 earlier and the other person's in this other zone, it's trying to synchronise those 340 00:22:02.450 --> 00:22:06.170 libido moments, isn't it? Yeah. And you know, and that 341 00:22:06.410 --> 00:22:09.880 is often a challenge in long term relationships. 342 00:22:10.350 --> 00:22:13.110 You know, I hear that all the time. I'm a morning person, he's a night 343 00:22:13.110 --> 00:22:16.590 person or she's a night person. 344 00:22:17.550 --> 00:22:21.150 And then that is a challenge. Right. But it is, 345 00:22:21.550 --> 00:22:25.390 it is all the answer to that is 346 00:22:25.390 --> 00:22:29.270 communication. The answer to everything is communication. Can we find a 347 00:22:29.270 --> 00:22:32.830 compromise? Can we figure out a time, can we put something on the calendar, 348 00:22:33.470 --> 00:22:37.470 you know, at a time of day that actually works for both 349 00:22:37.470 --> 00:22:41.300 of us? Can we be very conscious around our 350 00:22:41.300 --> 00:22:45.140 desire to have sexy time or to have sex that night or 351 00:22:45.140 --> 00:22:49.020 that morning or whatever? And I know that people are like, oh, planning. It 352 00:22:49.020 --> 00:22:52.380 is like, it takes the spontaneity out, but it's like, you know, 353 00:22:53.020 --> 00:22:56.700 yeah, the spontaneity has to come out at times. Right. 354 00:22:56.940 --> 00:23:00.700 Planning it actually allows your brain, which is our biggest 355 00:23:00.700 --> 00:23:04.380 organ during sex, to be able to start to get on board. 356 00:23:04.460 --> 00:23:08.200 Yeah, we have, you know, sexy time plan for 357 00:23:08.200 --> 00:23:11.760 tonight. Let me start thinking about that. What do I want to do? What do 358 00:23:11.760 --> 00:23:15.600 I want my body to feel like? You know, maybe for, for some people 359 00:23:15.600 --> 00:23:19.520 it's like, oh, maybe I need to masturbate a little bit before. Right. 360 00:23:19.520 --> 00:23:23.320 Like really thinking about what your body needs to start to 361 00:23:23.480 --> 00:23:26.760 do, what you can do inside of you to, you know, 362 00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:31.240 pull up some of your desire. But that 363 00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:35.010 does take commitment and it takes a level of 364 00:23:35.010 --> 00:23:38.850 consciousness and awareness of what your arousal pathway 365 00:23:38.850 --> 00:23:42.570 is and really making sex a priority in the 366 00:23:42.570 --> 00:23:46.250 relationship. And that is a huge, huge difference. When 367 00:23:46.250 --> 00:23:50.130 couples make sex a priority in their relationship, then they start 368 00:23:50.130 --> 00:23:53.250 having a lot more enjoyable sex. If you're having an affair 369 00:23:54.770 --> 00:23:57.970 and you're having to sneak around and do things, then 370 00:23:59.140 --> 00:24:02.620 it's often not spontaneous anyway, because what you're thinking is, oh, I've got to book 371 00:24:02.620 --> 00:24:06.020 a hotel room, I've got to sneak out the house, I've got to make all 372 00:24:06.020 --> 00:24:09.900 this cover storey. It's surreptitious. Sex isn't just. Isn't 373 00:24:09.900 --> 00:24:13.540 often spontaneous. Maybe if you're picking something or hooking up at a bar, maybe it 374 00:24:13.540 --> 00:24:16.980 is. But once you get into. Into week two, you're now 375 00:24:17.300 --> 00:24:21.260 sneaking around. You're totally planning as. You're totally planning as 376 00:24:21.260 --> 00:24:24.660 well. But I think the difference is that for some people, the risk 377 00:24:25.300 --> 00:24:29.220 is sexy. Right. For a lot of people, like the, 378 00:24:29.540 --> 00:24:33.540 you know, there's something about. It's like, I might get caught. Right. Like there's. 379 00:24:33.540 --> 00:24:37.340 There's some sort of erotic charge potentially under, you 380 00:24:37.340 --> 00:24:41.100 know, underneath that. For some people, that's part of, you know, 381 00:24:41.100 --> 00:24:44.980 what turns them on is being in a risky situation. Right. Which 382 00:24:45.060 --> 00:24:49.060 you can totally translate to your partner. Right. Well, if, if, if 383 00:24:49.060 --> 00:24:52.860 in fact, you know, being in a little bit of a risky situation is part 384 00:24:52.860 --> 00:24:56.760 of my turn on. Well, what if, like, you 385 00:24:56.760 --> 00:25:00.640 know, we try to have sex in an elevator or, you know, we go out 386 00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:04.280 to dinner and I put my hand under her skirt or 387 00:25:04.280 --> 00:25:08.200 whatever? Right. Like, there are ways to do that. In the context 388 00:25:08.200 --> 00:25:11.640 of the relationship, it's understanding what your turn on is 389 00:25:12.280 --> 00:25:16.280 that actually allows that to happen. Yeah. No, I'm 390 00:25:16.280 --> 00:25:19.840 with you. In my relationships over the years, I've definitely 391 00:25:19.840 --> 00:25:23.570 tickled those boxes. You know, there are. There are other opportunities. And when you. When 392 00:25:23.570 --> 00:25:27.250 we broaden that definition of what sex means, and it's not just that 393 00:25:27.250 --> 00:25:31.090 final getting down and dirty and that. Yeah, that groaning and 394 00:25:31.090 --> 00:25:34.850 grunting at the end. It's. It's all the things that go into that. Yeah. And 395 00:25:34.850 --> 00:25:38.570 it's. Sometimes it's just touch, sometimes it's just connection 396 00:25:38.570 --> 00:25:42.330 being there. My wife and I, we often flirt a bit. We do a lot 397 00:25:42.330 --> 00:25:44.770 of stately homes, we go and visit a lot of old properties in the UK 398 00:25:44.770 --> 00:25:48.010 and sometimes we work out that when we're walking around these big old homes and 399 00:25:48.010 --> 00:25:50.970 we're the only person in the room or we're. There's a big door, we sort 400 00:25:50.970 --> 00:25:53.690 of sneak behind the door and sort of go a bit of a. Bit of 401 00:25:53.690 --> 00:25:55.810